Bizarro Dunder-Mifflin

iPod Giveaway Monday26 June 2006

Pick a character and develop a scenario for how they might have turned out in an alternate universe. You have all sorts of freedom here, folks, so don’t be afraid to let your imagination wander. Your character doesn’t even have to live in the same era, for instance. Here’s an example:

Dwight Schrute, Neanderthal, 100,000 BC
While his contemporaries were fending off saber-toothed tigers, Dwight was busy laying the foundations for social outcasts and ineffective middle-tier management. His poor physical conditioning and a general lack of street cred among the cave-folk excluded him from the epic man-versus-beast struggles that characterized the times, leading him to pursue less demanding activities such as gardening and cold-climate beet farming.

You all have until approximately July 4 at 12:15 AM PDT to submit your entry (be sure to follow the contest rules). Break a leg, guys.

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Creed Bratton, Early Colonist, Colonial America

Creed enjoys the simple life afforded by an undiscovered land; here, he is able to indulge his desires for living off the land, inhabiting a simple and unfirnished house, and running naked through the woods. He appreciates the utilitarianism of his four-toed foot, as he is able to gut wild turkeys and partake of simple games of tic-tac-toe in the dirt. He enjoys the simple soups made from roots, berries, and tree bark, among other ingredients. He sometimes passes the day by hooking a plow to his back and working the fields with the horses.

1Posted by Loaded Teapot on June 26, 2006

Jim Halpert, Roman Senator

Jim gets through the boring Roman Senate sessions by playing pranks on fellow senator Dwightus Schrutimus...things like taking the wheels off his chariot, setting his toga on fire, putting hemlock in his wine goblet, entering him in gladiator contests, and chiseling rude messages about him on the bath-house walls. The only bright spot of Jim's day is seeing Senate receptionist Pam, who he flirts with by sending her funny scrolls.

2Posted by Jinx on June 26, 2006

Michael Scott, Mailman

Michael works at the local post office. The work is easy, but Michael does not deliever all the mail. The two main reasons are his fear for work and the fact that he likes to talk the people on his route. Although most people try to completely ignore him, but have to deal with him occasionally. There are a small amount of people that have very few friends and love to talk to Michael. Some of the people like to play tricks on Michael. Michael talks the tricks as a sign that those people like him, but they really can't stand him. Michael invites himself into every home/place that he can, but most of them create excuses to get him out as quickly as possible. The lonely guys get Michael's humor and loves it when he comes to their house. Michael also gets to hang out with children, which is something else he loves. Michael looks at the postal office all his life since his 20's and eventually have to quit because of the constant injuries he acquires from people on his route.

3Posted by Derek on June 26, 2006

Pam is a princess in England in the late 1800's. She learns she is arranged to marry King Roy of Wales by rule of her parents the King and Queen, but refuses and runs off to a fairway kingdom where she encounters a young lad named James (Jim). James is a farmer and knows from the second he saw Pam, that he was in love with her. Yada Yada Yada...Pam becomes Queen of England , and Jim, King James of England. They rule the land and live happily ever after! THE END.

4Posted by Joanne on June 26, 2006

Michael didn't ask to be promoted. But when Sgt. Gould was killed, Cpl. Scott became platoon leader. He liked the infantry, and his people skills served him well there. Now he had to become a leader here on a French battlefield with German patrols everywhere. It wouldn't be easy with this crew of knuckleheads. Pvt. Halibut was unmotivated but reliable in a firefight. Pvt. Schrude was a world class suck-up who always talked about his twin brother, an enemy soldier. At least his troops loved him, Michael thought. They’d follow him anywhere. All except Cpl. Tobie, who answered directly to Gen. Mifflin. Michael wouldn’t mind sending him into an enemy ambush. But he had to be smart and make it home safe to his sweetheart, Jana. Her letters sustained him, though they always began “Dear John.” She loved to tease. He needed a good idea to advance his company into enemy territory, but Cpl. Pat Beesley said there were no ideas in the idea file Michael made him keep. So he took a swig from his “World’s Best Sarge” canteen and pondered his next move.

5Posted by Brian on June 26, 2006

Dwight Schrute, Amoeba, Planet #492DKL9

"Dwight Shrute" doesn't even have a name on this planet far away from ours (it's actually two milky ways over on the left!). Filled with hot molten lava, there are only the beginings of life, with only simple single-celled life forms like "Dwight" populating certain cool spots. He bosses over all the other single-celled life forms, telling them they needed to learn how to go through myosis and mitosis... of course none of them pay any attention to him.

6Posted by Ari on June 26, 2006

Kevin, President of the United States.

Born in 1954, Kevin Malone lived a simple life in a log cabin with his sisters and cousins. His parents were killed in the war shortly after he was born. He went to Washington, D.C. hoping to become a Secretary of State but ended up accidentall running for President. He was a favorite among all Americans and ran for eight terms. During his fourth term, he met a woman named Angela and they quickly fell in love. They were married during his fifth term and quickly had a child they named Oscar.

7Posted by Colin on June 26, 2006

Kevin Malone, Uncharted Tropical Island, 1500s

Winning over his fellow island inhabitants with his musical abilities and impressive stature Kevin quickly moves to the top of the totem pole becoming king of the island. Luckily, because of his power the women are willing to overlook his crass humor and beckon to his every call. King Kevin maintains his kingdom by outwitting and outweighing any competitor. Kevin’s favorite past time is his personal foot massaging servants. However, he can’t help but think that maybe he shouldn’t have banished the 30 man band to a neighboring island.

8Posted by Rachel on June 26, 2006

Roy - Nintendoland

Standing on top of an unfinished skeleton of a building the mighty Roy is pleased with his capture of the day, the lovely Pam. Roy is up so high he thinks no one can get him to give up his prize. But then, crawling from the bottom appears the Heroic Jim. With his amazing jumping skills he'll get to the top and save his one true love in no time. But Roy has one last trick up his sleeve, and starts to throw barrel after barrel at Jumping Jim. However Roys brute strength is nothing compared to the drive and heart that Jim carries with him, in hopes to win Pam over. Jim finally makes it to the top and in one motion saves Pam from Roy. Jim and Pam both escape, never to be disturbed by Roy again.
High Score
288040

9Posted by Adam on June 26, 2006

Michael Scott USO Comedian

In the world of comedy, no name is more closely tied to "bombing" than that of Michael Gary Scott, the third-tier entertainer of Bob Hope's ill-fated "My Lai Massacre of Laughs" tour in the spring of 1971. The troops in Saigon didn't know what they were in for when Scott came onstage dressed as a stereotypical asian answering to "Ping" and repeating the line "Me so horny" until they couldn't stand it anymore. Next, Scott tried to make amends by unveiling his fortune teller character (loosely based on Carson's "Carnac"), in which a sample joke read:

"The Viet Cong, Pol Pot, and the French...who has a better chance of winning the war than us?"

Scott next appropriated pop culture references from several years prior in a misguided attempt to be a "hep cat" with the troops", such as the previous statement. He was rushed onstage, and when told he would be sent as a special delivery to the Vietnamese across the river, was distrasught.

As his body rocketed from the cannon and into the pre-evening mist, witnesses recalled his final words as "That's what she said!" before a dull thud was heard. Scott was never seen again.

10Posted by Two-Hole Punch Jim on June 27, 2006

Angela Martin - as a cruel woman back in the era of the French Revolution

Angela's character would be very similar to Madame Defarge from A Tale of Two Cities. A cruel and very judgmental revolutionary; Angela would be the one calling for the head and the blood of anyone that does not agree with her causes. You can almost see in Angela's eyes that the perverse pleasure she could take from the blood letting of her enemies.

11Posted by Deron on June 27, 2006

Dwight Shrute
He has worked up his way through the tribe. He has made friends with only the people who were worth it. He has now been deemed one of the "co-leaders". He is highly skilled in hunting and self defense, that the tribe leader believed his skills would be put to good use.

12Posted by Liz on June 27, 2006

Meredeith Palmer, Flap Dancer, Vegas

At the young age of 4, Meredith showed a promising future as a dancer. Her mother signed her up for ballet, but Meredith refused to go. Instead, she stayed home to dance along with the radio. Even though Beyonce wasn't around yet, Meredith could groove to her music that would exist decades later. That is how talented Meredith was. Meredith grew up, left the home, and flapped her way to Las Vegas. While on the car trip, she drove through the small town Scranton, PA, where she saw a crackly office building in need of employees. Just looking at it made her want to hit the bottle. In that moment, she decided to follow her dreams. Which is how she ended up pole dancing on tables in Vegas for the Monkees. She dated one, too. She raised a lot of money in those Vegas clubs, boosting the economy, and she provided a lot of family fun entertainment for one guy named T. Packer. Her can can dresses were large enough to stash bottles at, but she never hit the liquor. She was high enough on life.

13Posted by Carly on June 27, 2006

Jimmy has lived in the Browns’ neighborhood since his dad’s transfer a couple of years ago. School is pretty boring for Jim; he’s at his best doing stuff with his pals. He likes organizing games and activities for the gang. His best friend is Linus, even though he carries that darned blanket around. Linus is smart like Jim and is a loyal friend. There’s a beagle on the block Jim thinks is the coolest dog ever; together they put on shades and go on wild adventures. Sometimes they play tricks on the Round Headed Kid, who doesn’t really seem to mind. Jim likes the kid ok, but wishes he wasn’t so wishy-washy. On the other hand, Lucy, a girl down the street, is so bossy and annoying that Jim alternates between avoiding her and hatching plans to get back at her. Sometimes Linus and Jimmy head over to Schroeder’s to listen to him play some tunes on the piano. Jim likes sharing music with friends. The big neighborhood secret: Jimmy is in love with the girl with Naturally Curly Hair, and every day he looks for ways to be near her.

14Posted by garbagethrower on June 27, 2006

The Reign of Henry VIII
Toby is a devout servant of the Church of England. In 1534 he was able to divorce his wife-it was for the best. He now runs a small farm outside of Slough and his daugher Sasha is adored by all of the village. He can often be seen frequenting the local pub, Poore Richarde's. The only thing keeping him from his ideal life is his neighbor, Michael the Scot, who persists in tormenting poor Toby whenever he gets the chance.

15Posted by Gretchen on June 27, 2006

Funny you should mention Henry VIII, Gretchen, because here's my idea:

Jan Levinson-Tudor

They’d been fighting for a while. She wanted kids. He just wanted boys. They thought they could change each other’s minds. They couldn't. But she wasn't stupid. Henry was stupid. She was really brave. If the annulment hadn't come through, the whole world would've seen that her blood was red, just like theirs.

16Posted by Nathan on June 27, 2006

Sister Angela Martin
Nun, School Marm
1864
Sister Angela Martin is the mathematics teacher at a 3 room schoolhouse in Charleston, South Carolina. She punishes her students with an iron ruler when they error in repeating their times tables. She lives in a monastery led by Father Michael Scotti. When she is not working, she tends to her 6 cats. After the Civil War breaks out, she volunteers as a nurse. One day, she tends to a young victim, Deacon Schruteson, who was injured by a multiple bayonet attack (from his fellow soldiers.) Angela falls in love with his disciplinarian demeanor and unflinching respect for authority. Only later does she discover that he is fighting for the Union. Will she respect her allegiance to the church and the Confederacy, or follow her true love to his beet farm in the North?

17Posted by Jill on June 27, 2006

Jim Halpert, Enterprise helmsman

Jim Halpert is the helmsman on the Federation Starship Enterprise-D under the captaincy of Jean-Luc Picard. Jim doesn't really take his job too seriously, since all he has to do is press a few buttons and the ship goes where it goes. He doesn't mind working on the Enterprise, but thinks everyone's a bit too high strung & intense and gets annoyed that the Romulans or the Borg try to kill everyone on the ship once a month. He could always put in for a transfer to a different ship, but he thinks it'd probably be about the same and not worth the effort.

18Posted by Ryan Pike on June 27, 2006

MEREDITH PALMER-ASSASIN

Meredith pauses just for a moment; she can kill John Dracoth now or maybe she can let him live. She squeezes the trigger, so much for letting him live. Living the life of an assasin isn't exactly all fun though. As Meredith covers her tracks and proceeds to go home she feels the pang of loneliness. No one greets her at the door, no pictures on the wall, just an empty apartment with some empty regrets. She wonders what it would be like to live a normal life but figures this is better for her, the pay is good, the feeling, the knowing that you control when people's lives end is good. No this is perfect for her she thinks. The perfect job, for the perfect lady.

19Posted by Jen on June 27, 2006

Michael Scott - receptionist

Through a long series of wars and disease born out of prolonged Viagra and Rogaine use, men die out in huge numbers leaving women in power positions managing industries and leading governments. Capitalism thrives, but workplaces are transformed and Michael Scott serves as the Dunder-Miflin Recycling Center’s receptionist and assistant to Regional Manager Pam Beesly.

His party planning skills (while consistently lame and over-budget) endear him to Pam and his co-workers, but his constant chatting at the front desk, bad jokes and inability to complete even basic tasks leave him continually on the cusp of being fired. Pam has a soft spot for him, however, due to his deep insecurities, terror at the potential of losing his job, and willingness to take any training course she signs him up for (despite the fact he never retains any knowledge or new skills from the classes). She was heard saying, “He’s like a puppy dog that keeps peeing on the carpet -- it's annoying, but he doesn't really know better and you just can’t make yourself take him back to the Pound.”

20Posted by amywink on June 27, 2006

Artsy-fartsy Pam Beesley is as suprised as anyone when jock Roy Anderson asks her out in high school, but she quickly tires of his arrogant and obnoxious behavior and breaks up with him after three months. She blossoms in college, where she gets an art degree and has a couple healthy and fulfilling relationships. After college she ends up in Scranton where she works for a small advertising agency and wins numerous awards. She then opens her own agency and is very successful. One night she meets a bunch of friends at Chili's, where a buffoon in a tuxedo is presenting awards at a work function. She watches the proceedings while feeling sorry for the employees, but a tall lanky fellow who seems to have a good sense of humor about the whole thing catches her eye. She conspires to run into him at the bar afterwards and they are both immediately smitten. A year later they are married in a beautiful ceremony and move to Stamford, CT where he works as a sales manager and she continues her advertising work.

21Posted by Jenna Loves Josh on June 27, 2006

Meredith- Mormon school teacher.
It's 2006 and Meredith teaches children about the ways of the lord. Her husband is never home and smells of alcohol on occasion. She has made it her new purpose to school the children on the dangers of alcoholism. He leaves her for a non religious gal and Meredith is not heartbroken, but determined to continue her activism.

22Posted by sara on June 27, 2006

Michael Scott, Rapper/Movie Star/Librarian

Michael Scott grew up in the mean streets of Malibu. As a teen, he always rhymed and pondered whether or not he would be a great MC someday. While his friends all listened to N.W.A and Ice-T, Michael was into the fresh beats of the Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. He broke into freestyle/mixtape circuit with the groundbreaking track and album, "Dancin' (Dancing)". The lyrics, "Let's dance, don't fight/Those girls look tight/Too bad it's a school night" gave Michael instant credibility in the world of rap. Michael became an overnight sensation and had it all: hot girls, fast cars and comfortable denim jeans.

The albums that were released after "Dancin' (Dancing)" were a tremendous failure. His action movie vehicle "The Wrath of a Woman Scarned" performed poorly both critically and financially. Today, Michael Scott has a promising career as a librarian and is devoted in helping children to give a hoot and read a book.

23Posted by Brian Q. on June 27, 2006

MICHAEL SCOTT - After He Failed his Drug Testing

In this alternate universe, Dwight decided against giving Michael his urine. As a result, Michael Scott fails the drug test and is immediately fired from Dunder Mifflin. As he is packing up his office to make room for Dwight (the new Scranton Manager), he comes across an old "Scratch 'n' Win" ticket. He scratches off three boxes, and sure enough, he sees that all three say "$10,000". He collects his prize, and invests all of his money into the stock market. In the next year, his $10,000 grows to $10 million. He buys Dunder Mifflin, and turns every location into a new business- a Hooters/Chili's location (basically a Hooters that serves food from Chili's). His new business becomes insanely popular, and Michael Scott’s name is known to everyone in the world (as it should be).

Pam and Jim also get married and live happily ever after- not relevant to Michael's story, but still important on its own.

24Posted by Eden on June 27, 2006

Dwight Schrute –Male Model

Spotted by a talent agent in a Scranton mall at age 17, Dwight broke into the world of modeling with ads for Calvin Klein. As the computer geek movement of the 80s and 90s surged, Dwight saw his star rising, eventually appearing on the cover of GQ. He became known for his signature look, “Remington,” and the fact that he never smiled with his teeth. When asked to comment on how he kept in shape, he lauded the power of beets, bringing about a national diet craze. In a world removed at Dunder Mifflin, Jim throws a copy of GQ with Dwight’s picture on it in the wastebasket and continues unbending all the paper clips of his desk mate, Dwayne. Hanging next to Angela’s cat pictures and assorted creepy baby posters is a small, almost hidden cut out of the latest Ralph Lauren ad, featuring Dwight Schrute.

25Posted by Catherine Zeta-Jones on June 27, 2006

Darryl Philbin-Civil War Era

Darryl is a slave on a southern plantation. His owner takes a liking to him and tells Darryl that he'll get preferential treatment if he helps him learn some of the African language that Darryl and his fellow slave workers use. So Darryl, being the nice guy that he is, tells him a few things. But, he "accidentaly" mixed up some of the meanings of the words. One day as the owner walks by one slave says to another, "egnatu gon adobi." The owner tells the slave thank you, thinking that he said "master is generous" when it really means "master is foolish." This of course, gives all of the slaves a good laugh and makes Darryl feel good about himself.

26Posted by Denise (ddker) on June 27, 2006

Dwight Schrute - Assistant to the U.S. Ambassador to the Soviet Union, October 1962

Schrute, responsible for relaying messages from the U.S. government to the Ambassador, sees the Cuban Missle Crisis as a perfect time to seek a promotion.

"I want to be Assistant Ambassador," he said. "And until I am, you're not getting these messages."

Wanting to fire him but under the circumstances convinced not to, the Ambassador succumbed to his demands. Later, as part of the agreement, he was given to the Soviets as collateral until the deal was done. Little did they know that the U.S. had never planned to take him back.

Schrute was put to work on a derelict Siberian farm near Lake Baikal. After many years of diligent labor, he was able to revitalize the land, and was accepted into society by the locals.

That is, until he was mauled by a pack of huskies.

27Posted by Graham on June 27, 2006

Michael Scott: Early Spanish Explorer

The predecessor to Columbus, Michael Scott sets off to find the spices of India. After taking a wrong turn, however, he lands on the coast of Africa, which he immediatly names Scottland (different from the existing Scotland becasue of the second t). He is taken aback by the natives, however, and once he sees one he sprints back to the ship in fear, leaving almost all his crew behind. From then on, he lives off the sea in solidarity, with only his first mate Dwight by his side to keep him from dying. They eventually make it back to Spain, where Michael makes it look as though he escaped a siege attack on his ship by unruly pirates

28Posted by JR on June 27, 2006

Stanley Hudson, Space Stripper, c. 2980
Stanley was fed up with his day job so he decided to take on his night job full-time. He performs daily at the Intergalactic Night Club. He's often considered to be the best on the planet and when skeptics visit and wait for him to take the stage, they're usually impressed. Not only by his amazing moves and swagger, but because he can perform gracefully for a man his size.

29Posted by Jason on June 27, 2006

Dwight Schrute, Michael's Childhood, Scranton PA

Dwight and michael grow up together and become friends. this alters michael's entire universe because he has a friend that is not his mother. this gives him self confidence and he is thus a much more well adjusted person than the michael scott we see today. Dwight is still the same lackey type that we see. but this affects michael in a positive manner and his whole adult life is exactly reversed from what we see now. Dwight, having been used and abused at a much earlier age grows up to be an even more socially awkward individual but instead is 'deranged" and lives at the beet farm and shoots teenagers with a potato gun all day.

30Posted by Heidi Sylvanowicz on June 27, 2006

Angela Martin – Salem Witch Trials
The year is 1692. The once quiet “New World” village of Salem has recently become a flurry of gossip and commotion. In order to distract attention from her own affair with Dwight Schrute (an Amish beet farmer), the young Angela Martin has charged her adversaries Pamela Beesly and Phyllis Lapin, with witchcraft. Angela has been upset because not only have these girls been displaying “whoreish” behavior such as wearing the color green, but they have also shown disrespect towards Mr. Schrute. One afternoon, Angela approached Judge Michael Scott and told him how Pamela and Phyllis had been practicing witchcraft by casting spells on poor Mr. Schrute. Once word gets out, the townsfolk are shocked and appalled that girls from their Puritan community would be associating with the devil. And so, the trials begin. Although Angela is beginning to feel some guilt and remorse, she can not go back on her story now, lest she herself be condemned as a witch. Will the court decide that Pamela and Phyllis are witches? Or will the tables turn and find Angela as the guilty one?

31Posted by Stella on June 27, 2006

Michael Scott, alien abductee

Michael Scott is abducted by aliens one Friday evening while returning from the video store (he rented a Rob Schneider flick). He is alone, of course, and no one notices he is missing until Monday. By that time Michael has forgotten all about work. The aliens think everything he says is hilarious, or so he thinks. He's loving it. He's so popular and well liked! What he doesn't know is that the aliens' language only sounds like laughter. They have no idea what Michael is saying but figure he must be an important, intelligent form of life, so they keep him for research purposes. Michael thinks his laboratory "pad" is pretty sweet and continues wowing them with his best material. He lives out his days believing the aliens love him and his sense of humor and dies an old man, while telling a joke involving a prop. He had grabbed an alien thinking it was an inanimate object (his eyesight was failing), and the alien ate him.

32Posted by Alison on June 28, 2006

Dwight Lee, martial artist/film star

Born to film star Bruce Lee and his American wife, Dwight Lee was famous even before he was born. People had high hopes that he would follow in his father's footsteps and beome a master of martial arts. He was enrolled in classes as soon as he could walk but failed to make much progress. The teachers realized that Dwight's father was blind to his son's comic execution of the athletic moves. Bruce paid well for these lessons and so the teachers did not want to lose this income. Under pressure from Bruce and the population of Hong Kong, Dwight Lee was cast in many martial arts films, only to be heavily edited to make it look convincing. The Lees were oblivious to the editing and were so proud of Dwight, who became overly confident. One night he hit on a woman at a bar. She tripped him, he hit his head, and he died instantly.

33Posted by Sean on June 28, 2006

Roy Anderson, NBA Star

Roy was well on his way to playing college b-ball until that party during junior year which cemented his love of brewskis. In this alternate universe, Roy drinks beer and becomes violently ill – due to a wheat/barley allergy. Shunned by his teammates and the cheerleaders for his teetotalitarianism, Roy turns to working out and instead becomes the team MVP. He gets a full scholarship to Penn State, where he's joined by his artsy girlfriend Pam. Roy is drafted by the L.A. Lakers in his senior year of college and is catapulted to instant fame. Pam, who has been clinging to Roy, is left in the dust as Roy decides to make the most of his superstar status and the hot chicks surrounding him. Devastated, she struggles to complete her courses and drops out of school, returning to Scranton and taking a job as a receptionist at Dunder-Mifflin. While heartbroken, she catches the eye of salesman Jim. They quickly fall in love and she finally gets over Roy. She takes an job in graphic design and she and Jim move to NYC together.

Oh, and Roy suffers a career-ending injury after attempting to dunk on Shaquille O'Neal.

34Posted by Kristina on June 28, 2006

Dwight – Notnarcs Australia Division, 2006
Dwight Schrute lives in the small town of Notnarcs Australia, a subdivision of Perth. Dwight is a big hit around the office with all of the single ladies, and sometimes does some fashion modeling. In the past he has taken time off to go on the professional surfing circuit, but he has decided to focus on his career in the paper biz. Dwight plays the drums for a local indie rock band on the weekends (they have been approached by several independent labels) and has been seen around town with various aspiring supermodels. Dwight is the top salesman for Dunder Mifflin in Australia, probably due to his laid back attitude with his clients.

35Posted by Chris on June 28, 2006

Sir James of Dunder looked out over the foggy pond as dawn broke over England. “Tis a day of great importance” commented his second, Sir Ryan of Howard, as he stood beside him at the castle window.

Yes, it was a day of great importance thought Sir James. Rivals had claimed the hand of Lady Pam, and King Arthur had declared a jousting match to settle the matter. Sir James was to joust with the black knight, Sir Roy of Anderson, for the hand of the fair Lady Pam. Just thinking of her beautiful eyes and warm smile made Sir James more determined than ever to win.

The two knights left after a small morning repast and proceeded to King Arthur’s castle. A large crowd had gathered in the courtyard as there were to be games of chance that evening to entertain the citizens of Camelot. Sir James and Sir Ryan ambled among the many booths and vendors, smiling and pointing at items of amusement. As he stopped to play his favorite game, Sir James noticed the Lady Pam also joining in the game. “Save your coins, Sir James, or I shall take you all in,” she teased. That would be wonderful, he thought.

As the time of the jousting match approached and Lady Pam was arriving to take her seat next to King Arthur, Sir James drew her aside. “I’m in love with you. Let us flee these festivities now and go someplace to live as man and wife.”

But just then, the trumpets blared and the crowd erupted into a roar. The match was ready to begin! Sir James swung himself into the saddle of his trusty steed. “Good luck my friend,” said Sir Ryan, “By Merlin’s beard, may you be triumphant.”

The starting flag dropped, and the jousters approached each other from opposite ends of the arena, horses galloping at full speed. There was a loud crash; someone had fallen and lost the challenge. Lady Pam peeked out between her fingers which were covering her eyes and gasped. The winner was………..

36Posted by Thirsty Babies on June 28, 2006

Dwight Schrute - High School Government Teacher, 2006

Spending each day with five classes of ridiculously bored high school seniors, Mr. Schrute keeps the students fiercely in line by using techniques acquired from his training as a volunteer sheriff. While other teachers whose names will not be mentioned (Mr. Halpert and Miss Beesly) feel free to let their students run wild with senioritis, Mr. Schrute fills his students' heads with knowledge of the American system so that they, too, can grow up with a doglike obedience to authority. On occasion, however, Mr. Schrute lets the students look at (but never touch) his growing collection of bobbleheads. He attempts not to play favorites but everyone knows of his "model student", a Miss Angela Martin.

37Posted by Jess on June 28, 2006

Pam. Fairy Tale World. Possibly Grimm. But, you know. Whatever.

Pam's father has died, and she's stuck at home tending to her evil stepmother and her two really rotten stepsisters. One day, a new farm boy shows up at the estate. He's cute, has funky hair, and he makes Pam laugh, especially when he steals her big, moon-faced stepsister's favorite Prince Charming bobblehead and encases it in jello. At the end of every day, when Pam tells the farm boy to sleep well, he says only, "As you wish." Having never read The Princess Bride (damn shame, great book) Pam fails to understand that this means, "I love you." Finally, one day, when Pam tells Jim to sleep well, he actually says "I love you," writes it on a Christmas card, and shows her the tattoo on his shoulder - "Pam" in a big, red heart. Still unable to decipher the code, Pam goes back to the house to find Prince Not-So-Charming sitting on their sofa, watching ESPN, and demanding a beer. She fetches him the beer, he half-glances at her and grunts, "You'll do," and the next thing you know, she's planning a wedding.

Ah... Pam.

38Posted by Lani on June 28, 2006

Creed Bratton, Wild West Outlaw, 1870s

Gunslinging outlaw Creed “Nine Toe” Bratton was the wiliest man the Wild West ever did see. From his childhood days on the ranch, when he would sneak off to the cow pasture to take naps or steal moonshine from the Dunder clan, everyone knew he would grow up to be no good. Ol' Nine Toe was suspected of a series of train robberies and stagecoach hold-ups, along with the occasional stand-off outside the local saloon. Volunteer Deputy Marshall Schrute and his posse were always hot on his trail, but the elusive Creed always managed to evade the law. A smooth talkin’ swindler, he could get himself out of any situation. He was unapologetic about his life as an outlaw, simply stating “I stopped caring a long time ago.”

39Posted by lindsay on June 28, 2006

Rome, 1501 AD: 18 year old Pamela l'Indaco, not sure that a woman will be accepted into apprenticeship, dresses as a boy and becomes Assistant to Michelangelo. She is lucky in love and in art, and as she assists in the painting of the Sistine Chapel, she falls in love with a young actor who is always able to make her dream of something... more. In 1508, after the completion of the painting of the Sistine Chapel, Pamela reveals herself as a woman, and with the help of her tall fiance, escapes from Rome. Her life story is recorded by her best friend and greatest love.

40Posted by lano on June 28, 2006

Stanley Hudson, Film Critic, Present Day

Perhaps the harshest film critic in the business, Stanley Hudson is hardly ever positive in his reviews, but he knows what he likes. Following in the footsteps of Siskel and Ebert's "Two Thumbs Up!" and whatever flamboyant phrases Gene Shalit says, Stanley's known for his trademark phrase, "That's Not Funny." Very few films have impressed him, although certain he has labeled many as surprisingly "Funny", including Spice World and Ghostbusters II, and some "Not Funny" declarations were more obvious, including Sophie's Choice. On March 24, 2005, Stanley reached his milestone 1,000th negative review, which he celebrated silently at home with his wife and kids (at his stern request).

41Posted by Neil on June 28, 2006

Kevin Malone, LFL Placekicker, 22nd Century

Kevin Malone is the starting placekicker for the Colbert Shredders in the Lunar Football League (LFL). Malone played for the Chappelle Ligers during his first two seasons in the LFL before being traded to the Shredders, where he has played for the past five seasons. He wears jersey number 69, which he has worn for the duration of his career. Malone holds several LFL records, including the record for longest field goal (219 yards).

Prior to his career in the LFL, Malone was a member of the United North American States Navy SEALs. In order to join the SEALs, Malone received several genetic enhancement procedures. This has led some to dispute the legitimacy of the LFL records he holds.

Malone is married to actress Aishwarya Leibowitz, whom he met while vacationing at Hedonism XIII on Mars. Malone had a cameo appearance in a recent holofilm starring Leibowitz, Summer At Greenland Beach, which was a remake of the early 21st century film American Pie 2.

During the off-season Malone is lead vocalist and drummer for LXIX, a Wyld Stallyns tribute band.

42Posted by Jason on June 28, 2006

Phyllis Lapin, Genius Choreographer

Though she was the star of the "Tappin' for Toddlers" class in her youth, no one expected Phyllis to be the hip-hop choreographer of her time.

She paid her dues, teachining at dance studios in small towns along the east coast. She got her big break as the dance captain/choreographer for the Washington Bullets (now Wizards). No one had ever seen moves like that on a basketball court.

By the late 1990s, she'd come to the attention of Sean "Puff Daddy" Combs, who hired her to work with the biggest hip-hop stars on his label. Nicknamed "P. Baby," Phyllis came up with routines so hot, even MTV wouldn't show the videos she worked on until 9 PM!

P. Baby retired young, but still kicks up her heels whenever she can.

43Posted by smart little cookie on June 28, 2006

Phyllis Smith- 1998 Arctic Winter Games Snowshoe Gold Medalist

Phyllis Smith grew up in Northern Canada...waaay the heck up there, eh? Quite understandably there wasn't much to do except hunt and showshoe. Being a big believer in animal rights, she chose to spend most of her days showshoeing. From an early age her mother would take her out on long snowshoe excursions through the wilds of their vast acerages of land. While all the other kids at her school in town learned to curl, she remained steadfast in her desire to become one of the greatest snowshoers of all time. All the hard work paid off when she became the youngest snowshoe medalist at the Arctic Winter Games in 1986 at the age of 16. Since then she's gone on to win another bronze and two silvers and finally, a gold medal in 1998. The win secured multiple endorsement deals with many Canadian businesses including Tim Hortons and Roots. Unfortunately not too long after the win, Phyllis was involved in a doping scandal. Phyllis is no longer a competative snowshoer, but she spends a good deal of time lobbying for the sport to be included in the Winter Olympics.

44Posted by Ninecherries on June 28, 2006

Ryan the temp.
c1250 BCE Egypt

Ryan was hired by pharaoh Ramses II as a mercenary for the campaign into Nubia. He was a good soldier and well qualified. He was a favorite of the pharaoh and was invited many times into his private quarters for libations, feasts, and dancing. His biggest regret in life is developing a relationship with a priestess. She is constantly sending him messages during the campaign via runners and feels bad not giving them a tip. He also once transcribed an intimate scene between him and a lover onto a cave wall using hieroglyphics, and forgot to erase it. He often told people after that to "never ever ever draw hieroglyphics of yourself in compromising situations. You mean to erase them, but you don't." He is killed in 1199BCE when he leaves his dinner over the fire too long and it sets his tent on fire.

45Posted by Paul Herberger on June 28, 2006

Michael Scott – President of the United States – 2000

Despite the overwhelming evidence that Michael Scott had indeed lost the 2000 election, a Supreme Court decision in favor of Scott’s victory led him straight to the White House, which he proclaimed to be “dinkin’ flicka.”

With VP Creed Bratton by his side, President Scott immediately led the nation into war with Switzerland, only later to apologize and withdraw troops, explaining that he had heard a rumor that the Swiss were holding the Pope captive. Scott’s nemesis and political opposition Toby described the event as “catastrophically stupid,” and said that if Michael Scott continues to be President, America is doomed. When asked to comment, Scott’s Deputy Chief of Staff, Jim Halpert, merely shrugged.

President Scott gave a statement later that same week in which he said “Sorry, Swiss people. I still really like your hot chocolate and cheese, and that Miss Swiss to give me a call!” Michael Scott was impeached and forced to resign from office shortly thereafter and now works at a D.C.-area Chili’s restaurant.

46Posted by Michelle on June 28, 2006

Michael Scott
1930's Gangster

Looking back on it, Michael never realized how he got himself in this situation. He had to look up to Jan "The Man" and make sure he kept his gangster insubordinates in line. It was all over for him though, once caught by the Feds. You see Michael Scott talks a big game, but when pressure is applied he folds like a house of cards. He sang like a canary telling the fuzz all they needed to know. When everyone was eventually caught, they were pretty mad at Michael which hurt his feelings...all he wanted was to be a respectable gangster. Since I have no idea where this post is going and don't wanna start over, I'll just kinda end it. Here.

Actually Here.

HERE.

47Posted by matt_from_montana on June 28, 2006

Creed Bratton, Nightly News Anchor on NBC

Each night, millions of Americans tune in to hear the day's events in a straightforward, no nonsense manner from Creed Bratton on the NBC Nightly News with Creed Bratton. On those same nights, a seperate group of thousands also tune in, but they tune in for a wholy different reason. You see, ocassionally on the NBC Nightly News with Creed Bratton something unusual will slip from the mouth of the beady eyed newsman, something unexpected. The most publicized and lauded event was during an interview with then President Michael Scott. Mr. Bratton had asked the President a tough question regarding the nation's fast approaching paper shortage, and what he and Secretary of State Catherine Zeta Jones were planning to do about it. Awaiting President Scott's answer, Mr. Bratton began to sniff, interupting the President's answer by asking "Did you fart?". A flabbergasted President recoiled in horror at the accusation put on the table by Mr. Bratton. Many believe this to be a critical point in the movement to impeach President Scott who would be suceeded, much to his dismay, by a former Sentator known only as Toby.

48Posted by Nick on June 29, 2006

Nooooo. I double checked the spelling, but hit enter right as a I noticed "Senator" mispelled as "Sentator." I throw myself on the mercy of Northern Attack to disregard the typo.

49Posted by Nick on June 29, 2006

Doh, I obviously used Phyllis' other last name in my entry last night. I'll blame it on the the infant-induced sleep deprivation.

50Posted by Ninecherries on June 29, 2006

Kelly Kapoor, Superhero, Testosterone City

Kelly Kapoor is The Manhood Vanquisher, hero to women everywhere. She fights men who have broken a woman’s heart by promising her marriage, and then backing out.

Powers: Retractable Claws-grabs her victims, I mean enemies. Super Shrill Motor Mouth-to lower the enemies defenses. Double Lipstick of Pain-built in layer of two lipsticks that when making contact on flesh sends bolts of pain to a man’s…manhood; also it adds to her super-cuteness.

Weaknesses: A blended 7 and 7 with eight Maraschino cherries and sugar on the rim. Also, expensive jewelry, like the kind Kobe bought for his wife.

Arch-Nemesis: The Temp, whom she used to go out with and continues to have feelings for. She always captures him, but can never use her Double Lipstick of Pain in fear that one day she may need his manhood in top quality condition.

51Posted by Lacee on June 29, 2006

Dwight Kurt Schrute-Assistant to the Dictator, Germany mid 1930's

Dwight Schrute likes to think of himself as Hitler's go to guy. He helps the fuhrer with anything and everything, whether it be purchasing a new manor, helping out with an injured foot, or just spending a quiet New Year's eve together, watching the pictures. Dwight isn't really sure what the politics of the government are, but he does know that they value loyalty a lot. He is on his way to the top when he is suddenly dismissed for being caught up in a scandal involving a "lady of the night" known simply as Cookie Martin. His last statement on record is: "I came to America for a better life. I met a cripple in a wheelchair who offered me a job where my duties are to serve and protect him, and him alone. I usually only help able-bodied people, because as I've always believed, only the strong survive. But this guy seems pretty important so…paradox."

52Posted by Lauren on June 29, 2006

Kevin Malone -- drummer for Bon Jovi

Kevin's high school band, Scrantonicity, break up after a massive fight between the lead singer and the guitarist over a girl [don't they all?]. With graduation over and no idea what to do with his future, Kevin leaves Pennsylvania for the beauty of New Jersey where he meets a pretty boy with big hair in need of a drummer. The pretty boy happens to be Jon Bon Jovi, the band happens to be Bon Jovi, and Kevin is voted the coolest drummer by Rolling Stone magazine readers in 1986. Unfortunately, Kevin started to go bald, tarnishing the band's sexy big hair reputation with the ladies and leading to his ouster in 1991. With his knack for percussion and his hairless dome, he landed a spot with the Blue Man Group in New York City where he can still be seen today, but only during the Wednesday and Sunday matinees.

53Posted by jenny on June 29, 2006

Pambot4000, Receptionist robot, year 4000

The Pambot, capable of speaking over 500 langauges, comes with the ability to whip up any caffinated or non caffinated warm beverage its boss desires. With video and audio recording capabilities, it is capable of taking notes like no other. Conferance calls are made easy- Pambot plugs into standard to nonstandard connections to deliver easy and quick chats between bosses and corporate. Its life-like synthskin and hair make it easy on the eyes. Will work closely with Roybot 1900 and JymmBo, the salesman jobot, to make sure orders are met and customers are pleased.
Warning: Pambot refuses to rub things in butter, and will not go into bathrooms, under ANY circumstances.

54Posted by Fred on June 29, 2006

Michael Not of the Scots, Court Jester

Michael always though of himself as destined to a life of humour, and decided to gain a spot as jester in the court of Henry VIII.

On one magical night, he was able to amuse the King with some silly floor dancing, and was invited to join the court. His career was short-lived, however, as he tried to be daring in his act and decided to improvise on the theme of the King's multiple wives. Unfortunately, this joke was made much too soon (some day, it might be a world where this topic is funny!), and Michael was Boleyn-ed. The End.

55Posted by Genevieve on June 29, 2006

Creed Bratton: Door-to-Door Magazine Salesman

Upon his discovery that he had fried his brains during his fast paced tour of ganja, Creed realizes that no one will hire him. He can't pass an entrace exam to save his life. So Creed decides to take a job that will improve his customer service skills. He answers a want-ad in the paper for Magazine Sales.

Afer months of selling magazine subscriptions, door-to-door, Creed begins to realize that he likes tricking people into commitments they will regret.

56Posted by Trevor on June 29, 2006

Michael Scott – Actor

Born August 16, 1963 as Michael Abraham Scott, and a graduate of Denison University in Ohio, Michael began his acting career in the early 1990’s, and was seen in such shows as “The Dana Carvey Show”, “Over the Top”, and “Just Shoot Me!”. His big break came in 1999 when he landed the job of news correspondent on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart”. From there his career took off: While working for the Daily Show, he starred in several blockbuster movies, including “Bruce Almighty” in 2003 and “Anchorman” in 2004. Currently he plays Steven Carell, the clueless, idiotic boss in the American version of “The Office”. But perhaps his biggest role to date, and for what he is best known, is his portrayal of tough FBI Agent Michael Scarn opposite Catherine Zeta-Jones in the Michael Scarn trilogy of movies: “Freeze! FBI”, “Freeze! FBI Part 2”, and, to be released this summer, “FBI, Drop You Weapons!”

57Posted by Brian S on June 30, 2006

Dwight Shrute-- Super "Jack-Bauer-like" Government Agent

Agent Shrute is the nation's number-one spy and counter-terrorist field agent. The President relies on him to do the country's dirty work. Though his background appears quite humble-- he grew up on a Scranton beet farm-- his Nazi grandmother taught him all she knew from her days as a covert spy during WWII. He began as a mere office worker, but his duty as a sheriff's deputy on weekends finally gave him the chance to shine when he singlehandedly ended Scranton's first hostage crisis in two decades. From there he left Scranton for the FBI and never looked back. To cover his identity, a replacement "Dwight" was chosen from the FBI's archiving department to assume the identity of Dwight Shrute in Scranton. He is nothing like the true Dwight, but he revels in the fact that he finally received his long-awaited mission from the bureau. The FBI told him it was of extreme importance to national security. It isn't. In fact, his FBI contact has stopped reading his monthly reports because as of last month, he had requested permission to terminate Jim five-hundred thirty-seven times.

58Posted by Sam on June 30, 2006

Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert
McDonalds Employees

Towards the end of his senior year of high school, Dwight finally gets the courage to ask out his crush. Nobody knew that she too had been secretly pining for Dwight, and she accepted. However, her parents wouldn't let her date anyone without a job, so Dwight started working at McDonalds. His girlfriend came and went, but Dwight stayed at McDonalds, working as a fryboy. Ten years later, a new employee just out of college named Jim Halpert joins the crew, and makes it his mission to make Dwight's job miserable. This isn't hard because all it takes is moving the fry basket half-an-inch to upset the anal retentive Dwight. The feud reaches its peak when Jim throws Dwight's hat into the fry oil. Dwight starts receiving karate training and challenges Jim to a match during their break. The manager finds out and fires both of them. Financial issues force the two to move into an apartment together...and that's an entire story in itself!

59Posted by Anth on June 30, 2006

Kelly Kapoor- Raised in an attentive household

Kelly was born in a common, middle-class, suburban family. She is the youngest of three in the family. All through school, her parents were proud of her achievements. Her siblings also cared for her well-being and it was a good family to grow up in. After graduating from high school, Kelly went away to college in Pennsylvania. After college, she got a job at Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. She is in a good, casual relationship, dating the currently-temping Ryan. Everyone appreciates her sense of humor and her all-around good taste. She is not annoying.

60Posted by 2' Closer to Copier on June 30, 2006

A remote, top secret place, somewhere in a deslolate area of the South Pacific, 2003

As Pam stands there, pen on her hand, she realizes that winning immunity has given her the power to choose whom she will take to the final two. Roy, her old alliance, the one that help her get where she is at now, but that she has grown tired of, mostly for all his broken promises. Or Jim her faithful new alliance that at this point will do anything she asks for, even split the million with her. Going with Roy, would guarantee an easy win, as he has cheated and lied to everyone in the jury, but she is not sure that is path she wants to take now. Jim would be more of a challenge, as he has won everyone’s vote by being sweet and helpful, except for his archenemy Dwight that is. As her pulse gets faster and faster she writes a name on the paper…

Michael Scott (Survivor host): come on Pam, that couldn’t have taken that long

Pam: But it was so hard…

Michael: That is what she said…

61Posted by Veronica on June 30, 2006

Meredith Palmer, Prohibition, 1920’s

A piece of Meredith died on January 16, 1920, with the beginning of Prohibition. She was deeply saddened when her precious booze had been deemed illegal. Her husband became a Federal Prohibition agent and, knowing Meredith’s love for the bottle, divorced her. To satisfy her cravings, Meredith started going to the “speakeasies” for her alcohol fix. After overhearing much talk from other alcoholics…I mean, interesting characters, about whiskey prescriptions for medicinal purposes, Meredith decided to go to her doctor and ask for a much needed prescription of whiskey. He consented, surprised at how many patients needed their medicinal whiskey. Seeing how lucrative alcohol was to those in need, Meredith turned from being a “patient” to being a provider. She started to sell alcohol covertly to others, and was rumored to have the best alcohol of them all. “Meredith’s Moonshine” was favored over the common “bathtub gin” since it didn’t cause brain damage…just some temporary loss of feeling in the appendages. She continued to sell her moonshine until 1933 when the Prohibition was finally repealed. She later married her second husband, but divorced him after finding out he was selling illegal drugs on the black market.

62Posted by OfficeAddict on June 30, 2006

Stanley Hudson, Superior Court Judge

After the retirement of Judge Joseph Wapner, Superior Court Judge Stanley Hudson of Pennsylvania took over the as the "star" of TV's "The People's Court." His tough, no nonsense delivery of verdicts led viewers to nickname the show "Judge Hudson Tells You What Is What."

63Posted by Jill on June 30, 2006

“Creed Bratton” does currently work at Dunder Mifflin; however, none of his co-workers know that he actually stole this identity two decades ago. The real Creed Bratton died of a drug overdose in the mid-eighties, but a preternaturally preserved Alavar Hanso stepped in and adopted Creed’s distinct persona. In fact, he continues to tweak it, much to his own amusement. Sprouting the horrid-smelling mungbeans at his desk has been his favorite activity so far. He plays up his drug-induced memory loss and lack of concentration in order to hide his vast knowledge of an undercover social and scientific experiment that he began on an uncharted island many years ago. In fact, he is the one that his followers, known as “The Others,” speak about in hushed and reverent tones.

Truly a brilliant man, he has made only one misstep in these many years, which was to mention to his colleagues’ children that he has only four toes on one foot. He only hopes that the statue of his likeness, which accentuates this distinctive feature and was once situated on the shores of the aforementioned island, has been completely destroyed by now…

64Posted by Kristen on July 1, 2006

jim halpert, a happy man

jim halpert finally got the key into the lock. he was way too excited. giddy, was it? or, maybe just in a hurry. it was casino night at dunder-mifflin. he had rushed home to get ready for it, thinking about pam the whole way.

he hurried in, glanced at the clock and sent the “man-purse,” aka his ambassador 300 soft-sided leather briefcase, sailing toward the recliner. tonight, pam will finally know the truth, he thought. she had to. she was marrying roy in a few weeks and... well, she had to know.

suddenly, he stopped dead still. on the way home he had worked himself into knowing this was the right time. now, he could feel doubt creeping back in. would tonight end up like always? would pam just play things off as friendly banter?

“time to find out,” he said and turned on the tv.

“yes!” he yelled 40 minutes later, still standing there. he had cheered michael’s two dates, shouted “creed’s a thief!,” and watched every commercial, without moving.

then, the payoff. his boy finally busted a move! ferd kissed pam! jim smiled... and hit “rewind.”

65Posted by ferd farkel on July 1, 2006

Jim Halpert, Research Scientist

Dr. Jim Halpert is a scientist incharge of doing research in an underground Facility in the middle of the desert. Coincidentally, the facility gains control of a mysterious alien artifact. Jim gets called down to do research, and the artifact ends up getting jammed in the process which causes to open an interdimensional rift with an alien world, throwing the facility into disarray.

Jim's associates calls for military aid, which turns out to be sucessful, but the military ends up being violent and ruthless. They dont want to just kill aliens, they want to kill all the personnel associated with the incident. He is forced to shoot, smash and climb his way through ruined labs, abandoned missile silos, and vast surface areas to escape from the military, and the lab.

66Posted by Katherine on July 1, 2006

Dwight Schrute, Mayberry Police Department

Dwight had a very short-lived career at this infamous police department prior to Andy Taylor coming onboard.
Instead of going on foot pursuit, Dwight would drive the squad car right onto the sidewalk. Not only did he ruin plenty of oil pans and frames, but cost the department a total of 10 squad cars. Once he tried to get a cat out of the tree, hoping to make the morning newspapers with his heroic actions. The cat finally came down but the Fire Department had to get Dwight out of the tree when he refused to come down on his own. To make matters worse, he got into cowboy cop mode and shot himself in the foot grabbing for his gun and the bank robber got away-again. This cost him his police career. He traded his badge in for an office job and tries to stay away from using sharp objects and staplers.

67Posted by Renee Lee Greco on July 1, 2006

Angela Martin as an Amish in 1800s.

In the Colonial times, Angela would have fit in very well. Her normal day begins with her waking up when the sun rises to feed her family's cow and barn kittens (which she loves dearly). After that, she cooks Breakfast for her husband, Dwide, and her well behaved children (whom always wash their hands and pray before eating). Next, she cleans house before homeschooling her children. After lunch, Angela volunteers at her church with her young children while the elder children harvest an plant and then returns home to make dinner. Once dinner is finish, Angela and her family play a nice game of checkers and go to bed.

68Posted by HYP3R6IR1 on July 1, 2006

Dwight Schrute, Reincarnated, Central Africa

The year is 2048, Central Africa. Dwight's thick, luxurious hair is brownish-black and his arms, hands, and fingers are very long. He's extremely social and takes great pride in his leadership qualities and superior intellect.

After having spent hours feasting upon the tasty fruits among the trees, he decides to take a leisurely stroll to the outer boundaries of the home range. Traversing the beautifully spacious African terrain, he spots a colony of delicious termites. With his mouth watering, he immediately puts his foresight, planning, and expert skills in the wild, into action.

Dwight begins to fashion a crude tool out of a twig for the purpose of insect retrieval. Keen instincts and vigilant awareness of his surroundings, alert him to turn from the task at hand and face the terrifying presence before him. An enormous lion, eight feet in length and just over 400 pounds, is bearing down on him. Dwight instinctively opens his mouth, baring his teeth. All the lion sees is a chimpanzee begging for it's life. The lion attacks quickly and viciously. Dwight is dead.

That's health care in the wild - fast, easy, and no coddling.

69Posted by Lori on July 2, 2006

Michael Scott is the #1 must-have Wedding Planner in Scranton, PA. He's best known for selecting the finest ice cream wedding cakes & taking "candids" during the reception with his digital camera. Dwight Schrute is the Assistant to the Wedding Planner, but always refers to himself as Michael's Assistant which Michael must always correct him with "Assistant to the Wedding Planner".
Michael has also hired a team of decorators headed up by Ms. Angela Kinsley & her assistants, Phyllis & Ryan. They know how to pick the best flowers for that special day. Angela avoids the color green because it's too "whorish".
Currently Michael is planning a wedding between a Miss Pam Beasley & Mr. Roy Anderson. The problem is that the couple can't commit to a wedding date. They finally said June 10th, but then at the last minute, they postponed their wedding to the fall, possibly winter. This is very frustrating for Michael because now he has to rearrange everything including trying to rebook the hottest band in Scranton... Scrantonocity.
Dwight has warned the couple that not only will they be responsible for any cancellation/rebooking charges, but there will be extra fees for the undue stress that they've caused "The Wedding Planner". According to the bride-to-be, the wedding was postponed because she just received some new information about a certain "friend" and his "feelings" for her. Now she needs some "alone" time (possibly in Australia) to figure out if she's ready to become Mrs. Pamela Anderson or not.

70Posted by K on July 2, 2006

Late 1800’s

Stanley Hudson works at the Mifflin Paper Mill in Scranton, PA. The paper mill is hurting and there are rumors of layoffs (downsizing). Stanley decides to try some other jobs.

First Job: Dunmore Deputy. Most famous quote as Deputy Hudson – “Boy, have you lost your mind, cause I’ll help you find it, ain’t nobody gonna help you out here, Wyatt Earp could come through that door, he’s not going to help you, if you don’t stop sniffing ‘round this town!”

Second Job: New York City Basketball Street Hustler
Stanley acts like he can’t dribble a ball (even sticking his non-dribbling-arm straight out behind him). Then, when the bets are down: all net.

After several other jobs, he falls back to an office job with a distribution company in Stamford, CT. This new company is considering a merger with another company to help enlarge their market. Joseph Dunder, President of Dunder Distributors merges his company with the Mifflin Paper Mill and creates the new Dunder-Mifflin.

Stanley, having sales experience, transfers back to Scranton working at Dunder-Mifflin. His life resumes exactly as it was three weeks ago.

One Year Later: He receives the first Dundee ever for “Superb Work.”

71Posted by Joseph on July 2, 2006

Nano-robots: the Schrute line

This production line of nano-robots was created to encourage the host body's other nano-robots to function smoothly, and even devise productive strategies. The Schrute line is designed to move throughout the body monitoring the performance of the other nano-robots. However, this monitoring is so plodding and inept as to only encourage plans to thwart and confound the Schrutes, thus promoting nano-robots with artificial intelligence.

A secondary function of the Schrute line is to raise, and then lower, the body's cholesterol levels. This ludicrous activity provides much amusement for the other nano-robots, and also for the robot scientists.

72Posted by DanBoy on July 2, 2006

Obscure Careers Quarterly was recently able to sit down with one of North Eastern Pennsylvania’s most illustrious and down to earth celebrities, Kevin Malone. Kevin Malone is the main attraction at the Flonkerton Circus. His ability to make jewelry and other pieces of art using his own flatulence induced blow torch has turned the Flonkerton Circus into one of the highest grossing circuses in the area. He certainly has lived up to his nickname as the “Human Fart Torch”.

OCQ: “What brought you to the Flonkerton Circus?”
KM: “Downsizing at Dunder-Mifflin and my last Dundee award inspired my career change.”

OCQ: “How do you prepare for your shows?”
KM: “Mexican food, beans, and beets from Dwight Schrute. After I am done eating, I just hold it until my show.”

OCQ: “Do you ever worry about injury?”
KM: “No, as a performer you have to be able to take risks, you don’t think about the consequences.”

OCQ: “What’s your favorite piece of artwork that you have made with your talent?”
KM: “My fiancé wanted me to do something special for our wedding so I made our wedding rings during one of my shows.”

OCQ: “What’s next for you?”
KM: “Dinner.”

73Posted by Elizabeth N on July 2, 2006

Captain Creed, Pirate, 1725-1777

Captain Creed the Greed was the most feared pirate in all the seas. Creed started stealing as a young child, and wound up getting one of his toes cut off when he tried to steal a shiny box used to store cold foods from an old partner of his.
Creed, unlike his filthy crew, ate fairly healthy, though the stench of the monk beans he devoured added to his death-like persona.
At the Great Raid of Dunder Mifflin in 1769, Creed battled the mighty General Michael Scott, slew him and a number of employees, and apprehended a woman by the name of Meredith who became his prized wench when he introduced her to his most potent rum.
Creed mastered a number of languages, infiltrated various communities, speaking in their native tongue, only to steal their loot and women right from underneath them.
It wasn’t until a man by the name of Devon the Downsized poisoned The Greed’s monk beans that the madness ceased. Devon asked Creed why he stole his cold box from him long ago. In his last breath Creed muttered, “I stopped caring a long time ago.”

74Posted by Joseph on July 2, 2006

Pam Halpert, Former Receptionist, Aspiring Illustrator

After being forgotten at a hockey game by a date whose name has been long forgotten, Pam decided she deserved better. No more settling. However, old habits die hard and so Pam made one more exception in the "settling" department and took a job doing reception at Dunder Mifflin. It was there that she met Jim Halpert. From day one, Jim understood Pam and treated her like no other guy had treated her before. It wasn't long before they were married. Not long after the wedding, they picked up and moved to Maryland, where Jim took a much more rewarding job with Cumberland Mills, and Pam put her receptionist days behind her and (after much insistence from Jim) began to follow her dream and began studying art and graphic design. They currently live in Maryland (where Jim is getting more than his share of his favorite soft shell crab) in a pretty house with a terrace, where Pam tends her garden.

75Posted by Crystal on July 2, 2006

Michael Scott; Manager, St. Louis Cardinals; Present Day

Michael Scott has had a solid managerial career, but the promise he showed early on has not come to fruition. This season is no exception. Scott has world-class talent but doesn't really know what to do with it. The management above him is fantastic and his supporting coaching staff is among the best in the business.

Yet there is something about Scott that makes people view him as somewhat irreplaceable. The latest underachievement sees Scott losing a series to the least-talented team in the game: the Kansas City Royals.

Michael Scott can't understand why some people confuse him with Tony La Russa, a bumbling regional manager at some paper company in Pennsylvania; however, some find the careers of the two paralleling quite nicely.

76Posted by Plain White Jim on July 2, 2006

Michael Scott, manager of Chili's in Scranton, is having a horrible Saturday night. One of the waiters, Dwight, keeps yelling at him to fire Jim, another waiter because he once again pulled a prank on him. Dwight was also mad at another waiter, Creed, because he stole the awesome blossom meant for the frequent customer he had a crush on, Angela. Jim had a crush on somebody too, Pam the hostess, but she was engaged to Roy the dishwasher. Jim also knew he was not going to get fired because since becoming manager, Michael had not fired anyone. True to form Michael avoided Dwight by going over to the bar area & talking to the bartender, Kevin. Michael also noticed Kevin's best customer, Meredith, over on her stool & waved at her. His solitude was brief as he noticed Dwight headed his way and Jim and Pam giving each other a high five in the background.

77Posted by Tracy on July 2, 2006

Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert, Private Investigators, circa 1940

As a mishap, Dwight was hired and no one has yet to realize the mistake. He practically worships his boss and because of that, his boss looks over Dwight’s many screw-ups. Dwight and his partner Jim usually succeed in their assignments, but only because Jim is accomplished as a detective. He fools Dwight into thinking things, which in reality is turning his focus elsewhere while Jim does the actual job. Jim doesn’t complain about his undesirable partner because he enjoys fooling him more than anything else related to the job.

78Posted by Amelia on July 2, 2006

Pam Beesly:

Pam's young life took a tragic turn when her mother was killed in a terrible accident at the grocery store. She was reaching for a can of spam when the entire display fell over. Since her Mother had been a single Mom, Pam was bounced around from foster home to foster home, her only friend – her pet hamster. During her teenage years, Pam realized she possessed super powers that the other orphans didn't. After months of practicing her powers, and designing her outfit, a new superhero was born. Today she is known as Pam by day, Spamster by night. She and her pet hamster fight to make sure no other children lose their parents in senseless grocery store accidents.

79Posted by Tori Weber on July 3, 2006

Jim Halpert, Court Jester, 1388

Court Jester Jim Halpert, unlike most of counterparts in his time, playfully incorporated the King, Sir Michael Scott, in his antics, poking fun at him incessantly. Besides the never failing "Up Dawg" joke, Jim also engaged the court in various games such as “Desert Tower” and “Who would you torture?” Everyone enjoyed Jim's talents, earning him great respect in the kingdom. The King would frequently try and play along but he often made a fool of himself. Jim also had a strong attraction to Queen Pamela, as did she to him.

Finally, one day, Jim decided to make a move. He came to the court one day dressed in royal attire and demanded to know why Sir Michael was sitting in his throne. Michael was confused, and looked to his Queen and people for support. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. "Yes Jester, what are you doing in my Sire’s throne?" Queen Pamela asked. The only person who would have stood up from him would have been Duke Dwight, but he was busy tending to his beet farm. Michael reluctantly stepped down as Jim took his place as King of Dunder Mifflin.

80Posted by John on July 3, 2006

Michael Scott, Wizard of Dinkin’ Flicka
It’s a hard job being the Wizard of Dinkin’ Flicka, but Michael does his best. First off he has to deal with this girl named Kelly from Scranton, Pennsylvania who just dropped in. She found some friends too: Jim Scarecrow, the Tin Man Toby, and Kevin the Lion… and even that little temp Ryan she drags around everywhere.
Then there are the witches of the land: Pam, the Good Witch of the North; and Angela, Evil Witch of the West. Angela also has a bunch of cackling flying Schrutes that scatter around. They cause unnecessary stress in life of the Wizard.
Michael does his best to keep his sanity, protecting himself in the Dunder Mifflin City, locked away in the Chili’s Castle. He really doesn’t want to deal with anyone, but is forced to when Kelly’s gang shows up at his door. He decides to help Kelly get back home, and finally offers to drive her back in his Chrysler, as he is from Scranton as well. Just as they are about to leave, little Ryan tries to escape from Kelly and she runs after him, leaving Michael to drive home by himself.

81Posted by Jenifer on July 3, 2006

Pam Beesley - Southern Belle 1930s

Sweet, shy Pam sits on her porch in fanning herself on a hot Georgia day. In a plain white dress with her hair pulled under her hat she dreams of a man who can save her from herself. Always unsure and scared to make her own choices she settles for the first man to strike her fancy. Unfortunatly for her he doesn't make her feel special. She spends her days keeping up with the house and tending to his every need. She tries so hard to be happy with this man she wants so bad to love her the way she wants to be loved, support her dreans of a career, and someday a family. Her only joy is the cute, funny neighbor who often stops by for lemonade. They laugh and spend time talking of her dreams. She finds these are the moments she lives for. If only she could take the leap of faith needed to change her life.

82Posted by Angela L on July 3, 2006

Kevin Malone-Ring Master.

Kevin is the Ring master of a very small and cheap circus in Kentucky. His circus has three people reocurring as several different acts. He sells lots of popcorn and long lasting balloons. Also, he has a special show for adults only after all the kids leave.

83Posted by Joshua on July 3, 2006

Michael Scott, Amish, 1924
Michael is a community leader in a small Amish town in Pennsylvania. In an attempt to make his dream of growing candy into a reality, he plants an annual crop of sugar cane. On his downtime, Michael can be found on his front porch, designing office desks for the Yoder Furniture Company. His ideals, which are firmly based in the foundation of Amish culture, help him to excel in his environment and make him a idol among the locals. He thoroughly agrees with the notion that divorce is not an option, and tends to admonish those who believe otherwise. Also, his simple high school education, which would normally be a hindrance, is generally typical in Amish society. Michael’s focus is primarily on that of family and the prospect of children, which is also a traditional Amish principle. Amish conventions work well with Michael's belief system, and he finds the stimulation he needs within their way of life.

84Posted by Becky on July 3, 2006

Stan “the Can Man” – Present day

Having lost his mind after a few dismal years at a dead-end office job, Stanley makes a living prowling small town ditches and streets in search of dejected beer cans and pop bottles, which he later redeems for their 5 cent refundable deposit.

Armed with only an old, lighted miner’s helmet and a syrup-stained knapsack, Stanley, known by the town as Stan the Can Man, is infamous for his dogged determination to find every last discarded treasure. Many people in town actually justify throwing containers out of their moving vehicles by dedicating each 20 fluid ounce piece of pollution to Stan.

Stanley hasn’t always been in such high regards with the town, though. Once, a grocery store security camera caught Stanley on tape, stealing from a bin of cans that had been donated to the city’s 4th of July fireworks fund. No charges were pressed.

85Posted by Trent on July 3, 2006

Pamtut Beesly: Egyptian priestess.

Having lived as a peasent in Thebes for most of her life, Pamtut gained favor of the Pharaoh and was appointed high priestess over the Valley of the Kings. However, after "accidently" summoning the God of Death, Osiris by inviting her betrothed Roysuonmun to drink in the temple, he got drunk, and passed out in the holy fountain. As the plague passed over Egypt, Roysuomun, went to the Three Kings, a drinking hole. Moses got blamed for the plagues and Pamtut ran away with a slave named Jimisus after the parting of the Red Sea.

86Posted by Michele on July 3, 2006

He’s one of the greatest warriors of medieval times, one who would bring the likes of King Arthur or William Wallace to their knees in humility. His name is Darryl. But the irony is that the fiercest battle in which Darryl will engage is one for peace among members of his family tree, the House of Flicka. For centuries, factions within his own lineage have fought over the existence of a secret, magical handshake. Some say performing the handshake brings long life and riches untold, while those who have knowledge of how to carry out said handshake say it’s a curse that will affect the descendants of Flicka for generations to come. Family members clash in a battle of the ages, brought to an end solely by the brave, mighty warrior, Darryl. This bloody and ferocious culmination would come to be known as The Din of the Kin of Flicka, or as we know it better today…Dinkin Flicka.

87Posted by Brad on July 3, 2006

Kevin Malone, 70s Porn Star
Kevin Malone (screen name Kevin Malabone) received his big break in erotic films when he attended a pool party in the Valley at famed producer Gary Gear’s house in 1973. Gear was immediately struck by Kevin’s bear-like presence, smoldering eyes, and self-confident smirk (not to mention his physique once outfitted in a Speedo). Kevin was soon producing several films per week as part of Gear’s stable of performers. He became well-known for his trademark sidelong glances to the camera during pivotal scenes, his ability to realistically eat during his performances, and his relatively sparse dialogue (his characters’ motivations were often clearly conveyed in single sentences). Although Kevin was popular onscreen, within two years, he became less favored by directors after his female costars began to complain about his perspiration problem. Kevin soon faded from the mainstream scene, but continued to produce films well into his forties.

88Posted by Allison on July 4, 2006

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89Posted by James on July 4, 2006