Boats and Michael Scott are two things that were never meant to come in contact with one another, but our fearless leader chances it anyway to semi-terrible results. Michael’s decision to host this quarter’s retreat on the not-so-high seas of Lake Waullenwaupack is met with resounding apathy. While onboard, Michael says several things he regrets, Jim regrets not saying enough, and Meredith mistakes a life preserver for an appropriate piece of clothing.
Placing Michael in charge of a motivational retreat is about as good of an idea as it is to mix gasoline with fireballs.
Michael : Leader. Ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership, as its derivation.
Add that one to Michael’s list of improvised quotes that make absolutely no sense. It’s at times like this when you wonder if Michael is deaf to his own idiocy. And yet, he’s able to come up with advice that is both timely and pretty good, actually, when you least expect it.
Michael : Well, if you like her so much, you shoulda… Don’t give up.
Jim : She’s engaged.
Michael : Pshh. BFD. Engaged ain’t married.
Jim : Huh.
Michael : Never, ever, ever give up.
That’s what you get with Michael: nine times out of ten he spouts nonsense, but hang around him long enough and probability dictates that he will eventually say something worth listening to.
Dwight is the reason why fake steering wheels were invented. In fact, they work so well on him that we hardly see him the entire night.
Angela : Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Dwight : I can’t. Do you want us to run aground, woman?
The only thing any man ever got with calling Angela “woman” is eternal damnation. Dwight better watch his back.
You can’t be nice all the time — the worst kind of mean comes from nice people.
Katy : [Looks at Roy and Pam dancing] Do you think that’ll ever be us?
Jim : No.
Katy : What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight?
Jim : I don’t know. Let’s break up.
Katy : Whoa. What?!
Katy seemed like a nice enough person, certainly undeserving of this sort of insensitive treatment. So, yes, I do think that Jim was being rude. That being said, I also think that he owes it to himself to speak his mind every now and then. It’s unfortunate that Katy had to be caught in the middle of it, but hey, you can only bottle so much up before you drive yourself insane. Jim’s a good guy. He’ll apologize to her.
There are certain films that men are forbidden to speak of in public. Titanic is at the top of that list, right next to Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Michael : I see the sales department are down there–they’re in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim : Not really sure what movie you’re talking about. You sure you got the title right?
Michael : Titanic?
Pam : I think you’re thinking of The Hunt for Red October.
Sean Connery is the real man’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Casting Mr. Connery to play the role of Jack Dawson would have resulted in improved credibility for the film among males, not to mention vastly reduced box office sales.
Booze Cruise picks up right where Christmas Party left off with some pretty heavy JP activity.
Roy : You–you really look familiar. Did you, uh–you cheered for them, didn’t you?
Jim : Ummm… no.
Katy : Yes, I did. A-W-E. S-O-M-E. Awesome, awesome is what we are. We’re the football superstars.
Just as being a cheerleader grants you a lifetime membership in an exclusive social circle, not being one immediately places you in the company of those that ridicule it. Thus, Jim and Pam find joy in listening to Roy and Katy reminisce about their glory years. The booze part of the cruise claims most of the passengers as the night wears on, but not Jim and Pam. We see them sharing a quiet moment outside.
Pam : Getting kind of rowdy down there.
Jim : Yeah. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl!
Pam : [Laughs] Sometimes I just don’t get Roy.
Jim : Well…
Pam : I mean, I don’t know…
Jim : [Silence]
Pam : So…. what’s it like dating a cheerleader?
Jim : [Laughs] Um…
[A very long silence as the two look into each others’ eyes]
Pam : [Shivers] I’m cold. [Heads back inside]
Jim : [Remains outside and stares into the distance]
This conversation out on the deck is probably the most talked about scene in the episode, and for good reason. Viewers who lack the self-control to absorb more than five seconds of silence will quickly lose their composure, which is sad because there is a quiet truth to this scene that is extremely difficult to convey. This exchange demands silence, a fact that is made all the more impressive when you realize the weight that this scene is meant to carry. As difficult as it is to watch, it must have been considerably more difficult to act. The fact that Jim is able to express not just pedistrian emotions, but a real sense of deep longing without uttering a single word is pretty damn impressive and a sign of some serious acting ability on John’s part.
Jim : You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up.
Jim finally musters up the courage to tell Pam the truth only to be preempted by Roy, who shows up at the podium having grown some marital commitment in a matter of seconds.
Roy : Hey, everybody, uh, could I have your attention for a-a-just a second? Listen to me for a second. Um, we were up at the front, and we were talking about what’s really important in… Pam, um, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let’s do it!
It hurts, man. It hurts real bad. Having the ship split in two and dying an icy death is probably sounding pretty good right now.
Michael : You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God. Usually, I have a radar for stuff like that. [Sighs] You know, I made out with Jan.
Jim : Yeah, I know.
Michael : Yeah? Yup. Well Pam is cute.
Jim : Yeah. She’s really funny, and… she’s warm, and she’s just… anyway.
I think it’s safe to say that several people in the office were already onto Jim and Pam. Having Michael in the know, however, changes the landscape dramatically. Whether it’s for better or worse remains to be seen.
Had it not been for Michael’s uncharacteristic display of wisdom at the end, we would have seen the JP Index dip sharply into negative territory. Strange as it might be, he keeps it afloat. Even it is.
Darryl is awesome. Watch him step up to the plate to take the next shot at Michael.
Michael : Now on this ship, that is the office, what is the sales department? Anyone?
Darryl : How about the sales department is the sails?
Michael : Yes, Darryl. the sales department makes sales. Good.
The air is thick with mangled analogies.
Jim, because his defeat is only temporary. Michael earns co-superstar status simply by making sense.
Pam : What do I want, what do I want? Ooh. Pencil cup.
Dwight : No, no, no, no, no, no. That’s my pencil cup.
Pam : Um, I don’t think so. I just bought it.
Dwight : Uh, I think so, and you’re going to hand it over to me.
Pam : I love these.
Dwight : Ok, fine. Where’s my wallet?
Jim : Um… oh, there it is. J1.
Moving Dwight’s entire desk and contents to the men’s room may have required more effort, but watching him pay for his own things out of a vending machine might actually have been more entertaining.
Pam : Michael sent out this mysterious memo.
Jim : It’s time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a tooth brush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask.
Pam : A ski mask. And a swimsuit.
Jim : So that he can have us rob a bank and then escape through the sewers.
Pam : And brush our teeth.
Alright, let’s take a huge, and I mean frickin’ gigantic leap, and assume that Michael robbed a bank successfully. Escaping through the sewers sounds like something he would do, not as an act of brilliance — because that could actually work — but because he read it in a Maxim article.
Michael : It is now time to unveil the destination of this year’s retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack.
Dwight : Yes!
[The rest of the conference room is silent]
Michael : It’s a booze cruise!
Meredith : All right!
There are limits to how much you can drink, unless you’re name is Meredith Palmer. Then you have no limits.
Phyllis : Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned.
Michael : No–thank you. Spoiler alert.
Phyllis tells it like it is.
Michael : They’re happy down there in the furnace room, and they’re dirty, and grimy, and sweaty, and they’re singing their ethnic songs, and–actually, that might be warehouse.
Darryl : What?
Michael : The–no, no, no I didn’t… ok.
Ever wish you could take back something you said? Michael does. All the time.
Michael : In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It’s nebulous.
Michael comes dangerously close to making up another word here. Luckily, he avoids tacking on any extra syllables this time and is merely guilty of mispronouncing it.
Captain Jack : That’s right, partyers! It’s time to limbo, limbo, limbo! Alright, I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Huh? Who’s it gonna be?
Meredith : [Raises her hand]
Captain Jack : Okay–
Dwight : Me! Me, me me! Me. Me. Me, me, me…
Captain Jack : Uh… usually it’s a woman.
Dwight : I’m stronger.
Dwight was the kind of kid back in elementary school that teachers prayed would never raise his hand.
Dwight : I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Having Dwight pilot anything larger than a tricycle is a bad idea. The only way he gets by driving a car in Scranton is because it’s Scranton.
Michael : Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing.
I’m just going to let this scene speak for itself.
Captain Jack : I got an idea, I got an idea. I could marry you right now as captain of the ship! Huh? Huh, huh?!
Michael : I could marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin!
Pam : No, no, no, no. I want my mom and dad to be there.
Michael : Then I’ll give you away!
Pam : No, thank you.
The lack of sense here is staggering.
Michael : I’m on medication.
Brenda : Really? What?
Michael : Vomicillin.
Michael : I’m in the brig. See? [Motions with his hands, restrained by zip-ties] Boat’s not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was–if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet.
Michael’s right. Had that guy waited another few seconds, he would have been motivated. Motivated to beat Michael senseless. Still, why anyone would jump off the side of a ship that is clearly in working condition and in full sight of land is beyond me.
Dwight : Don’t worry, Michael. I’m taking us to shore.
Michael : It’s a fake wheel, dummy.
I’m no sailor, but you would think that Dwight would have noticed by now that the ship wasn’t responding to any of his steering.