Job performance is anything but the topic of review during performance review day. Michael uses the evaluations as an excuse to wring dating advice from his employees, but things come to a head during the first ever suggestion box meeting. Dwight prepares for his own review by rocking out, while Jim and Pam delight in toying with his perfect attendance. Plus, Angela dresses to kill, and Phyllis reminds us that sometimes a bullet to the head is the only escape.
In what can only be described as the worst case of selective hearing documented in human history:
Michael : I just to know from the horse’s mouth, what is the dealio…
Jan : You know, Michael…
Michael : Am I too short?
Jan : Michael, it has nothing to with your looks, ok? It’s your–it’s your personality. I mean you’re obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and… stupid. And… you do have coffee breath, by the way. And, and, I don’t agree about the B.O., but you are very, very inconsiderate.
[Jan and Michael go back and forth]
Michael : So my looks have nothing to do with it?
Jan : Oh god.
We brace ourselves for the worst when we really should know better.
Watching Dwight let loose his inner rock star was almost too much for me to handle.
Dwight : You’re going to give me this raise. I deserve this raise. Yes! Yes! Yes! Hiyaaa! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Ha-kaaaa! Yes! Why are you going to give me this raise?! Why?! Because… I’m awesome! I am awesome!
A superb routine — I give it high marks for both technical difficulty and artistic merit.
Observe the Jim Halpert fist pump, kind of like the Tiger Woods fist pump, but in reverse.
Jim : Hey, Dan, this is Jim. It is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th, and that is a…
Dwight : Saturday.
Jim : … Saturday [Pumps fist] , so just let me know what you’re doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon.
Jim has this look he gives the camera whenever he’s in the process of pulling a fast one on Dwight. He stares right into it and just kind of sits there for a moment, like he knows he’s good.
Pam : It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So I don’t really know what to expect.
My guess is that neither Pam’s hopes nor her dreams had anything at all to do with Michael, much less what he could bench-press. Just a hunch.
Not much to speak of on the the Jim/Pam front this time around. Plenty of goofing around, but a lack of wistful looks or awkward moments lands Performance Review solidly in Even territory.
That said, they do share a brief moment in the snack room, or Jim has one, at least.
Pam : How do you come back from that?
Jim : Um, you don’t… I don’t think come all the way back, you know. Especially working together.
Pam : No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that…
Jim : Oh…
Pam : … as a human being?
Jim : Yeah, no, I don’t think you can.
He’s been carrying the brunt of the work in this department lately, though that’s probably not that surprising since he’s not the one who’s engaged. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when things start swinging the other way.
This one was a tight race between Angela and Kevin, but in the end, I was forced to give it to Kid Sister.
Angela : I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit, and I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe… I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
She gets all glammed up only to have the door slammed in her face. That’s no way to treat a pageant queen.
Dwight, in the most lopsided victory since the presidential election of 1980. Kung-fu rock-and-roll has never known a greater champion.
Dwight : Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim : Done.
Not just that one thing you knew about ab workouts — Dwight wants you to forget everything.
Michael : Pam, you’re trustworthy.
Pam : Thank you.
Michael : And a woman.
Pam : Oh no.
Pam can sense immediately when the conversation is about to go downhill. And down it goes.
Dwight : Oh, hey. Listen, Jim… here’s a little tip for your performance review.
Jim : Ok.
Dwight : Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manilla file folders.
Jim : We don’t have double-tabbed manilla file folders.
Dwight : Oh yes we do.
Jim : No we don’t.
Dwight : Yeah, it’s a new product, so you should suggest that to him, and then he’ll be sure to give you a raise.
Dwight turns to the camera, proud of his pathetically unsuccessful attempt to dupe Jim.
Stanley : Sometimes, women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael : Really?
Stanley : Oh yes, let’s listen to it again, and this time really listen to the pauses.
Michael : God, Stanley, that’s frickin’ brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry.
Stanley : Oh, it’s ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact.
Michael : No kidding.
[Cut to interview]
Stanley : It’s all about my bonus.
Scranton, Pennsylvania: home to the wildest suburban ghettoes you ever saw.
Angela : Office romances are nobody’s business but the people involved.
A loaded statement coming from Angela, this one has scandal written all over it. Like, everywhere all over it.
Pam : Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim : No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight : Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam : You didn’t see it?
Dwight : No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never got out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?
Drunken Dwight should never be allowed to carry firearms, even fake plastic ones.
Dwight : Don’t sleep with your boss. Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?
Publicly humilate superiors. Check. Next on the agenda: ask for a raise.
Dwight : Jan, have you ever had deer?
Jan : No.
Dwight : It’s a delicacy, and you know what? It’s an aphrodisiac.
Deer have a knack for entering into the conversation at the oddest moments during this show, I’ve noticed.
Dwight : And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said “Dad, you have no idea what I’m capable of.”
Give me a raise, and in return, I will seize your paper business and transform it into an instrument of villainy.