Profiling

iPod Giveaway Sunday16 July 2006

UPDATE : I just realized that I botched up the deadline for this entry by ending it a day too early. Whoops. I’ve extended the deadline to July 24 at 11:59 PM PDT, so you all have until the end of Monday to get your submissions in.

Pick a character from the show and write their profile as if it will be used in an online personality test. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, I offer The Movie Villian Test as an example. You do not need to write the questions for an Office-themed personality test; that would be a lot of work. Simply write one possible outcome of such a test. For example:

You are Michael Scott
Despite your best efforts, you’ve managed to carve a space for yourself in management. Your employees tolerate you only because you are called their boss, and even then it is only with great restraint or vast indifference that they manage to survive your daily presence. You fancy yourself as an accomplished scholar when in reality you wield the English language as if it were a blunt instrument. You are a purveyor of false words, misinformation, and half-truths, although you have been known to offer timely advice when it is least expected.

You all have until approximately July 24 at 11:59 PM PDT to submit your entry (be sure to follow the contest rules). Good luck.

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You are Kevin Malone
You are lethargic, in the moment, and aggrivate some around you. You are unambitious, but content with your life. It's easy for you to relax, and you often find yourself lost in dreams of vulgar content. Your compatability with your signifigant other relies on your sense of humour and willingness to forgive easily. It is occasionally more dificult for you to do things than it is for others. You prefer a cool climate, and indulge yourself often. You feel the need to be creative with a group of people, outside of your work environment.

1Posted by Nick on July 17, 2006

You are Ryan Howard!

Your boss tolerates you because you grind aspirin in his pudding, and even then it is only with great restraint or vast denial that you manage to survive his presence. You are aloof, arrogant, and overqualified; although, you have been known to start a fire when it is least expected. You fancy yourself as a damn sexy temp when in reality you are a man out of his element. Despite your best efforts, you cannot resist that junk in the trunk.

2Posted by spicycurry on July 17, 2006

You are Angela Martin!

What's up pussycat? I only say that because you probably have seven of them. Who needs books when you can harbor an impressive collection of babies dressed like as adults in awkward poses? Judgmental and stern, you believe in Jesus, conservative dress, Birkenstocks, and large Christmas lights, but if someone treats you nicely you're not adverse to giving up some of your cookies (but not more than one piece of candy). You're prone to having breakdowns if things don't go your way and tend to file complaints about others, but don't fret. Behind your stony exterior lies an accomplished head of accounting in the healthiest relationship of your life, and though you're our favorite stickler, you've also got a rockin' caboose.

Idols: Anne Geddes, Jesus Christ, Rick Warren
Likes: Baby Ruth bars, party planning, fire safety, church, cats, Bobblehead Joe
Dislikes: Ketchup and bologna sandwiches, office games, BBQs, green things, whorish dress, etc.
Secret desire: A couple of well-mannered small (but thirsty) boys
Personal mantra: "I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny."

3Posted by Kristina on July 17, 2006

You are Jan Levinson

A strong public speaker, instigator in the workplace and professional at what you do, you are not looking for romance in your life at this time. When lacking in your love life, you give more focus on your career and moving ahead. Your life isn't about making friends. Some might describe you as cold. If someone were sitting across from you on a train, and you weren't moving, they might think you were dead. Sometimes a manager in the workplace, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. However, you have trouble separating your personal life from your work. Jealousy and romance is bound to arrive, even when you try to prevent as many Fun Raiser parties as you can. That obnoxious, rude... stupid... person hanging around you in your life (man, someone tell him to put on deodorant!) may bring more happiness than long hours at the office ever have.

4Posted by Carly on July 17, 2006

A profile for Stanley Mo Manly
In a series of haiku

You are well-suited
For a job selling paper
At Dunder Mifflin.

Suck it up, Stanley.
It's all about your bonus ~
And you need this job.

You pay tuition
At a chic, Catholic girl's school
For your cute daughter.

Just run out the clock,
Order an appeteaser,
And hold your wife's hand.

It's not bad, really.
It will all be over soon.
Smile! Michael's watching.

5Posted by Loaded Teapot on July 17, 2006

You Are Jim Halpert!

You are easy to get along with, and very sociable. You tolerate your job but the work and pay is second to your friends and co workers. You have great ideas, whether it be to get that tough buyer, or even creative pranks. Although you are great at work and with people, you sometimes don't know what to say.

6Posted by Liz on July 17, 2006

You are Pam Beesly!

You are stuck in a struggle between the life you have and the life you want. Afraid to veer from the safe path you’ve been traveling but tempted by dreams of what could be, you are left standing still. You are well liked by most people and possess an approachable girl-next-door charm, with your great sense of humor and creative spirit. You find your job unfulfilling and dream of becoming an artist, but you get through the day thanks to a close friend and co-worker who understands you better than you are willing to admit. While you do enjoy goofing off and contributing to pranks on your officemates, your heart is genuinely kind and giving toward all people. You have the distinct ability to discern what people need in every situation, and you do your best to help them. Yet, despite your seemingly content exterior, you ache for more. Behind closed doors, your thoughts are consumed by a chance, once taken, that could change the course of your life forever. Will you take it?

7Posted by lindsay on July 17, 2006

You are Jim Halpert.

You like to have fun, but there is not a lot of fun in Scranton. You have not left Scranton since you have been adult. You know where everything is located in Scranton and is not likely to take the trip he had planned in June. You have no goals for the future and you are not sure what you want to do with the rest of your life. You like women who are have a good sense of humor and nice. You like someone who is engaged, but loves to spend time with her. You are afraid of her fiance, but her fiance likes that she has a friend at the office, so he doesn't have to listen to her at home. You do well at work, but would like to be doing other things during the day. You love to kill time with pranks and other fun activities. You finally have become honest with yourself and realized your feelings for the lady in your office. You finally took a chance on something.

8Posted by Derek on July 17, 2006

You are Todd F Packer
The three words that spring to mind when thinking of you are lewd, rude, and crude. However, some strangely admire this and aspire to be like you. But to the general public, they shield their children's eyes when you come around. You enjoy things like mistletoe, twins, and your best friend's mom. There is innuendo in every situation, as far as you are concerned. And for some reason, none of these facts bother you. In fact, you're rather proud of it.

9Posted by Gretchen on July 17, 2006

Creed-

You are a freak.

Thank you for taking our survey.

10Posted by 2' Closer to Copier on July 17, 2006

You Are Meredith Palmer!

Your somewhat of an alcoholic. Okay your a major alcoholic. On the plus side your prolly fun to be around when there is booze to be found! You might come off as a little slutty but you have a quiet shy side as well; that would be when your sober. Congrats on your results now celebrate by downing a shot!!

11Posted by Jen on July 17, 2006

"Are You a Good Boyfriend?" Profile Results

You are Roy Anderson.

You are a guy’s guy, which can be difficult when in a relationship with a woman. Though you are generally easy-going, your temper can flare when threatened, in the heat of competition, or if dinner is late. You are the dominant partner in your relationship. Your tendency to self-focus can lead you to miss aspects of life going on around you, and to take others for granted. Not particularly ambitious, you are content with your life as it is and resist change. You relish your high school days where you were voted “Most Likely to Leave on Honeymoon Without Wife.”

Friends from high school are your current friends, and with them you play sports, view sporting events, and discuss sports. Your fiancée takes care of most household chores while you relax after a long day of work. You rarely dine out but you do splurge on an occasional weekend getaway. Family is important to you, but you are in no hurry to start one of your own. While communication is not your strong suit, your sex life is fantastic. However, analysis of partner’s enjoyment is highly recommended.

12Posted by garbagethrower on July 17, 2006

You are Jim Halpert.

You are the guy everyone wants to be and every girl dreams of. You are caring, considerate and not afraid to play practical jokes although you are friendly in the end. You are working well below your potential and would benefit from a more challenging postition. Also, you are desperatly chasing after the girl of your dreams and it is time for you to act on your feelings

13Posted by JR on July 17, 2006

You are ANGELA MARTIN!

You are a stickler for details. Everything has its place in your life, and anyone that messes up your organized space has no place in your life. People automatically assume you are all work and no play, but little do they know how you let loose on the weekends! Cat parties, charity bake sales, and accounting seminars are what floats your boat. In the end, what others think of you does not matter, as long as you are happy and have a loving boyfriend and cats, then thats all that matters.

14Posted by Heidi Sylvanowicz on July 17, 2006

You are KEVIN MALONE

You have a very likable personality and are overall good-natured. However, you need to live to your full potential! Deep inside, you have a brilliant musical talent that must be released!

These will be useful to you for the future:
- "Beano"
- Chinese herbs
- "Tums"
- "Phillip's"

In order to avoid embarassing moments that may happen in the future (and that you know have happened in the past), purchase one of the above!

Although you have slow thoughts and body movement, you may sometimes feel overworked. Treat yourself to a relaxing footbath!

You are highly gifted in the game "M&M Cram" (a fairly new game, invented in late 2005, that includes cramming as many M&M's into your mouth as possible).

15Posted by Eden on July 17, 2006

You are Creed Bratton!

You are a kleptomaniac and you stopped caring long ago. You've done some amazing things in your youth, but can't remember most of them now. If you're told to do something that's mandatory, you brush them off as voluntary (and don't do them anyway). Despite your unappealing traits, you still remember how to rock and roll, you know how to speak fluent Chinese, and you know everything one might need to know about narcotics. You're also very manipulative of simple-minded employers, an ability that always keeps your job secure!

16Posted by Neil on July 17, 2006

You are Phyllis.
Are you passive-aggressive?
Score - High
On the surface, you are kind to all those around you & everyone thinks you're sweet, but on the inside, you are a volcano ready to errupt.
In other words, you're passive-aggressive.
So speak up instead of mumbling under your breath or eat/drink to feel better, instead of speaking your mind.
Exhibit A - conflict resolution session with Angela.
Exhibit B - reaction to Michael's reaction over knit pot holder you made for Secret Santa exchange.

17Posted by K on July 17, 2006

You are Kelly Kapoor!

You love everything in life that is awesome. You are a girly girl who sees life in pink. You are dynamic, but you tend to miss social cues from people around you signaling that you should tone it down. You have the unfortunate tendency to latch onto boys that would like to keep things very casual instead of embarking on a serious romance. Calling his cellphone 7 times a day is unlikely to help matters between the two of you. Nevertheless, you are very popular at parties for your tendency to chug even if all you've had that day was a pretzel from the food court.

18Posted by Genevieve on July 17, 2006

You are Phyllis Lapin!
Some may call you grandmotherly, others may call you whorish, but you know you’re somewhere right in the middle. You’re sweet and you care about others (unless of course, they are rude and judgmental). Always a romantic, you notice those hidden office relationships, and have even found your own romance in the midst of it all. You are an introvert and enjoy knitting, but there’s also a little party animal inside, as you are known to win a hand at poker, sing karaoke, or compete in a basketball game. Never one to shy away from talk or the latest office gossip, you are recognized around the office as a busy (bushy?) beaver.

19Posted by Stella on July 17, 2006

You are Pam Beesley

You are finally getting what you have been dreaming and planning for the last 3 years, yet something unexpected has come up and you have started to reevaluate everything that made you happy before. Which path will you take? Only you can make that decision. You now have an internal struggle for happiness or to do what is expected of you.

Your home life is getting boring, you used to love coming home to make dinner for your fiancée and practice your illustrations while he watched the tube. Now all you can think of is that 8 O’clock in the morning can’t come soon enough.

You are in a dead end job, but won’t leave it because you couldn’t bear being away from a particular co-worker. You know he has so much potential and could be much more successful at another branch yet this would break your heart so you don’t encourage it.
Your boss is a joke, but you feel sorry for him because after all he does have a warm heart, and you know that just like you all he is looking for is true love.

20Posted by Veronica on July 17, 2006

You are Ryan Howard

You float from one thing to another in life, unable to commit to anything. People see you as the silent and cool-headed type, so much so that we need to call out Paramedics to test your pulse to see if you’re still alive. We’re waiting knowing that one day you’ll simmer over the pot and go rabid foaming at the mouth.
You would do well in professions such as Porta-Potty Scrubber, Worm Farmer and a potato chip inspector.

21Posted by Renee Lee Greco on July 17, 2006

You are Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration

You are first and foremost a SALESMAN! Why, you could sell a refrigerator to an eskimo, in an igloo. In fact, you did that last winter! You are grounded by a solid work ethic, and honesty and integrity are the backbone of your business. You are not afraid of commitment, and your relationships reflect that. But be careful! Your over-diligence on the job and in your love life may cause conflict! (possibly in Season 3??)

22Posted by Brian S on July 18, 2006

You are Creed.

"What's that smell?" you hear every time you enter a room. It's a mystery, much like your past and present life. You had an adventurous youth (heavy drug use and time behind bars took its toll physically and emotionally). You are an old soul ("You had an iron lung? How old ARE you?"), but young at heart (you can surprise co-workers with a mean guitar solo and a rudimentary Chinese vocabulary). You never owned a refrigerator, but you are resourceful enough to find a good, warm, free meal. You are frugal, some say downright cheap. You are weary and jaded and don't much care about anything or anyone anymore. You have 4 toes on one foot, which, fortunately for you, helps to keep children and adults away.

23Posted by Jill on July 18, 2006

You are trouble (Kelly Kapoor!)

You are aggressive, clingy, and jealous. It is occasionally more dificult for you to read mixed signals than it is for others. It's easy for you to smother your object of attention, and you often find yourself lost in dreams of commitment. You prefer to think you act oblivious, and indulge yourself in an office crush. You feel the need to kiss elves when you are drunk at an office holiday function. Your compatability with your significant other relies on his patience and your willingness to forgive his spotty voicemail. You want to have fun, which for you means getting married and having babies.

24Posted by spicycurry on July 18, 2006

You are Dwight Schrute.

You are beholden to rules and hierarchies. You slavishly follow authority, and expect the same from those you deem beneath you.

You are rigid and unflexible. You find comfort in everyday processes and procedures. Any interruptions in your day to day routine, such as pranks by co-workers, cause great angst.

You take great joy in being "in the know", although you hardly ever are.

You work very hard at your job, but could benefit from taking some breaks.

You loathe secrets, unless they are your own, in which case you guard them tenaciously.

You are likely to play Everquest (not proven yet).

Your favorite foods are beets and Baby Ruths. Avoid vending machines and doobies.

25Posted by Jinx on July 18, 2006

You Are Stanley

You don't like surprises or think impressions are funny. A dedicated family person, you are protective of those you care about and concerned about securing your financial future. You prefer crosswords to sports, spending time with your significant other rather than co-workers or friends, and have a strong skepticism for authority. People find you reliable, serious and goal-oriented, suspecting there is a "hidden side" to you they don't get to see. While you don't shy away from confrontation, you tend not to get angry at others; however, when you do, you can be scary. Ideal jobs include government agencies (DMV, Tax Collection), school administrator or work in the industrial business sector.

26Posted by amywink on July 18, 2006

You are Angela Martin

You have a gift for exactness and are very punctual. Though you enjoy the small things in life, like. . .your cats, you sometimes feel that you could have more. God is the main man in your life; but you’re a stickler for creepy, balding, power hungry nerdy men who grows beets on his farm. Like most women, jerks and weirdos are attracted to you, but you find their piety advances inappropriate and childish. As a straight A student in highschool, all the guys were asking if you could do their homework. You always said no, which is probably why you never got asked for a date. You have turned the heads of a few boys in church, but when they would look at you, undressing you with their eyes, you lost respected for them. If you were a color, you would be gray. But with your personality, you that color is just fine with you. You do have a sensitive side, only are ashamed of it and find it a trait of weakness. Sometimes, if you’re feeling generous, you’ll feel pity for someone in pain. And you could crush a walnut between your buns.

Loosen up, girl!

27Posted by Michele on July 18, 2006

You are Meredith from “The Office.”

You prefer a dim and quiet atmosphere but can get a little too wild when drinking. Alcohol makes you do inappropriate things that make others feel awkward. When you’re not drinking, people can think you’re a little boring because you drive a minivan and dress yourself in unflattering clothes. You should try to find a happy medium.

28Posted by Sean on July 18, 2006

You are Oscar from “The Office.”

You are quick to judge others and are not afraid to make a scene to get your way. Others may be put off by this trait. You find porno offensive but not as offensive as creepy dressed up babies playing jazz music. You sometimes blow off work to go shopping. You should be careful not to make people mad because you are hiding a big secret from them.

29Posted by Alison on July 18, 2006

michael scott, you’re a paper company regional manager. as a friend first and a boss second, you always look for new ways to show employees that you’re the “world’s best boss.”

you try to keep things light with your unique brand of humor, which, many characterize as half wit and half chris rock.

you enjoy playing the role of mentor, even with people who may come across as more knowledgeable.

you make an effort to draw attention to the disabled and always set your prejudices aside when interacting with people from other ethnic backgrounds. you understand them. you speak their language.

you’re quick on your feet and know how to take care of yourself in an emergency. you’re attractive and can rest assured that relationship problems have been caused by something other than your appearance.

you’re captain of your ship and the type of person who’ll be right there, when the time comes, lashed to the railings, going down with it. in the end, though, you and the stuff of which you are made will always rise to the top.

thank you, michael scott, for choosing psycological-profiles-for-less.com.

also try background-checks-for-less.com. our july special is half price on immediate family.

30Posted by ferd farkel on July 18, 2006

Toby, Your Horoscope Sign
You are reserved and generally shy in social settings. Strengths: dry sense of humor, compassionate (even to the most annoying of your peers), a great listener and therefore very observant.
Weaknesses: you tend to be passive and avoid confrontations. Try to break out of your routine and "chase that feeling" to find your happiness.

31Posted by Torie on July 19, 2006

You are Devon

You tried to play along and dress up for Halloween only to have some guy in quality assurance sell you out and put your head on the chopping block. In a way, you're glad you don't have to work with a stupid boss anymore. But it's too bad your hobo outfit turned out to be factual now that you're unemployed. You love to drink, but definitely not at Chili's, and you would choose any pie over pumpkin pie any day of the week.

32Posted by jenny on July 19, 2006

You are Dwight Schrute

You are a natural born sidekick. You work hard and perform your job to the best of your abilities. In addition, you often seek out extra work and responsibilities. You consider protecting your boss to be one of your primary duties. You view work as a kind of war, and look down on those who use time at work to socialize or make friends, which you haven't done. You follow nature's law of survival of the fittest and refuse to coddle the weak.

Positive qualities that you pride yourself on include discipline, intensity, strength, punctuality, enthusiasm, and above all else, loyalty. If a situation arises and you must choose between following the rules or being loyal, you will choose loyalty. You try to remain calm and logical whenever possible, although this can be difficult when dealing with what you perceive as incompetence or something threatens your relationship with your boss.

You consider yourself an expert on human behavior, but in actuality you still have a lot to learn. Others are able to take advantage of you because of your gullibility. Your reverence for authority often leads you to take foolish actions.

33Posted by Jason on July 19, 2006

You are Kelly Kapoor!

With your copy of the latest Us Weekly always at your side, you're always up on the latest celebrity gossip...and the office gossip as well. Your sugary sweetness can be perceived as annoying, but as long as you dominate conversations and don't allow others to get a word in, they can't tell you, so tough noogies for them.

34Posted by Anth on July 19, 2006

Who are you in the workplace?
You are Marjorie!

You are the kind of person who goes to work, you do your job and go home without much notice. You tend to blend into the woodwork and not interact much with others. In fact, people know so little about you that they don’t even know your last name! To make the work day go faster, you may want to consider breaking out of that shell a bit. You just might be the friend that someone is looking for to get through the day!

35Posted by Denise (ddker) on July 19, 2006

Yikes. You are Toby the HR Guy.

You don’t really know how things ended up this way. One day, you’re happily married to your soul mate, you’ve got a beautiful kid, your job is not great, but not terrible. Then in an instant, you’re divorced, you only get to see your daughter on alternate weekends, your boss’s hatred for you intensifies, and you’re sleeping in your car. If you opened a fortune cookie right now, the message would say, “WTF, man?”

Somehow, you still manage to be a nice guy. All but one of your co-workers like you and you think your luck might be changing. Chase that feeling.

36Posted by smart little cookie on July 19, 2006

Phyllis Lapin takes a personality test:

The things I value most are...
kindness and politeness (although sometimes my honesty overrides my politeness); also I value the love of friends and family, especially one special guy.

Friends would say I am...
open and honest; fun-loving; observant.

For fun I like to...
listen to music; dance; knit; play flonkerton (actually I don't play much; I just like the word "flonkerton" - Pam is so funny).

The personality traits I don't like include...
ungratefulness; obliviousness; arbitrary or inconsiderate behavior. Hmmm...sounds like Michael. Also I don't care for rigidity, especially when planning a party.

In confrontational situations...
I try to back away. But lately I've been thinking about standing up for myself more...

Thank you, Phyllis! Now we know what it's like to wear your pants.

37Posted by DanBoy on July 20, 2006

You are Michael Scott

You are a funny man. Your staff knows you are their boss, but sees you more as their friend. When you are not around, they miss you. Quite often, the women of the office wish they could be with you. Your own boss yearns for your affection.

It could be said that you are a beacon of hope and direction in the management world. Many a supervisor sees you as a mentor and model for leadership. Some consider why you haven't written a book on leadership.

Your humor surpasses that of most stand-up comics. Once, Chris Rock called you for help with a joke.

You like Chili's.

(Note from agency: This account is currently on ALERT. We have evidence that "Michael Scott" has lied on this test.)

38Posted by Trevor on July 20, 2006

You are Dwight K. Schrute.

You were certainly born for a top management position. As hard as you try to ignore it, you know that your company’s productivity would exceed everyone’s wildest dreams if only you and your own boss’ jobs were flip-flopped. Your loyalty, wit, level head, and flexibility will all help you work toward your goal of Dunder Mifflin dominance.

On the romantic front, you are liked and respected by all of the women in your life, but still you have to vie for the attention of a co-worker who also has a crush on one of her deskmates. The best way to assure her of your affection and to woo her away from her other crush is to request to switch desks with said crush. (This will be good for company morale also because it’s not often that the boss would sit with the minions.) Don’t forget to constantly gaze meaningfully at her as she does her work. Women love that.

One more thing: the latest "GQ" shows that purses are back in style for men.

(These personality profile results were switched with Dwight’s actual results, eventually resulting in, well, a lot more talk of “malfeasance.”)

39Posted by Kristen on July 20, 2006

You are Pam Beesley

Despite your best efforts and straight Bs throughout college you are still an underappreciated lowly receptionist at a fliundering paper company. You love to express yourself through your art, but the only art you have time for is clip art of a bearded man looking upset on the sign that you make which says "out of order, thanks kev" which hangs on the men's room door. Your fear of dying alone, not counting a few dozen cats, keeps you from breaking free of your humdrum job and love life. You often dream, not of finding a new job or lover, but of some divine transformation in your current ones which won't involve any effort on your part. You are content with your life though, since you don't think that you deserve any better.

40Posted by Paul Herberger on July 20, 2006

From Officeline.net's "Find Out What Kind of Boss Your Are" Test
TO: michael.scott@dundermifflin.com

" You are MICHAEL SCOTT...

A leader, role model, and terrific boss. Your employees love your insightful advice, relatable wisdom, thoughtful guidance, corrective criticism, and knack for comedy. Though entertainment isn't what gets you up in the morning, you are proud of your ability to keep a crowd laughing at your hilarious, creative stories imagined with your incredible improvisational skills. In the office you don't need coffee to get you through the day-- the looks of love from your employees are enough. Also, you don't need to hear "thank you." Your pride in yourself and confidence in your performance as boss tell you that everyone truly appreciates the effort you put in each and every day. "

MICHAEL (after reading the results): Wow! Incredible accuracy! And it cost only $9.95!

41Posted by Sam on July 21, 2006

You are Creed Bratton!

You love to steal things, and you have a short term memory.

That's it.

42Posted by Katherine on July 21, 2006

You are Ryan Howard, the sexy temp.

You often wonder where the hell you are and why you are working for the business you are currently at. You keep your desk clean and empty so as to be prepared to high tail it out of there. You constantly feel the eyes of your boss on you at all times and are creeped out by what seems to be an appearant man-crush. You get along well with your co-workers although you never want to be like them (you don't want to be the "something" guy). You aren't worried about downsizing (you'd rather be working in an urinalysis lab), but you ride out the storm nonetheless. You attract the attentions of someone in the office (no, someone other than your boss) and realize that she wants to marry you and have your children...immediately. You like to hang out with friends and party, and your goal is to one day own your own company. Basically, you are the fire that keeps the office alive (but not really).

43Posted by OfficeAddict on July 21, 2006

You are Ryan

You are a walking paradox. Your ambition led you to business school, yet you ended up temping at a paper supply company working for the world’s worst boss. You can’t stand him and even laughed when someone left a brown menace on the floor of his office. Yet he worships you, making you his comedic partner in crime and phoning you incessantly like a jealous girlfriend.

Speaking of which, you’d like to have a steady companion, provided things don’t get too serious. So you hook up with the chattiest, clingiest, most needy girl you could find – the day before Valentine’s Day, no less. And long after you should have cooled things off, you find yourself at an office function ordering her a 7&7 with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can.

You strive to avoid standing out in an office full of characters. Then you nearly burn the place to the ground with your lunch and thus become known as fire guy. You envision yourself moving on from this place eventually.

But not so fast, fire guy. You’re not going anywhere soon.

44Posted by Brian on July 21, 2006

You are Angela.
You are a no nonsense kind of gal that keeps out of trouble and safety is of the upmost priority to you. Your willingness to do more than expected makes you think you earn respect from those around you. You follow rules as rigidly as you were taught to which causes tension with those who you work with. You have a wild side that doesn't present itself too often but when it does the people around you better watch out. Sometimes you think cats hold the secret to the answers of lifes mysteries.

45Posted by sara on July 22, 2006

You are Kelly Kapour.

You are enthusiastic and follow directions well (e.g., the swimsuit situation) but may be a bit impetuous at times (e.g., the swimsuit tag situtation, inappropiate display of affection at office party). You prefer old and classic (Wizard of Oz) over new and trendy (Bend it Like Beckham). You question everything ("Spicy Curry Award, what does that mean?" "It's a bowler") and know exactly what you want out of life (7 and 7 with 8 marachino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can; SUV with 3 rows of seats). You have great faith in the goodness of people, especially NBA stars. You have experienced great tragedy in your life (Princess Di's death....and your sister's). You will go far in your professional life, unless you get the opportunity to chuck it all and get married and have babies.

46Posted by Thirsty Babies on July 22, 2006

Cosmo says... Your love style is that of "Michael Scott."

You strive for happiness in relationships, and are welcoming of commitment, even the big M (as well as "100s and 100s of kids.") You may not be the most experienced when it comes to long-term couplings, and this inexperience can sometimes lead you down a path of frustration. Your eagerness may sometimes be interpreted by others as neediness- and this can be a turn off, big time. Try taking it slow at the beginning of relationships, and learn to more accurately read body language and other signals (for example, "we will not discuss this" means just that). Try strengthening your independence and self-esteem, and making yourself happy before you commit to another. Developing your appreciation for inner beauty will also help you find that special someone (no, not Jan).

47Posted by Allison on July 22, 2006

Kevin Malone
I.B.S. test results

You’re hornier than a two point unicorn and dirtier than the Loch Ness itself, but our Imaginary Being Synopsis test concludes that you most resemble the Leprechaun – but remember – size doesn’t matter.

Personality:
Leprechauns are solitary in nature. According to folklore though, if given the chance they are well spoken and can make for great conversation.

Relationships:
Leprechauns always have a pot-o-gold. Kevin, your gold is in your heart. You care for and console others in their time of need.

Hobbies:
The musical taste of the Leprechaun is limited, but your expertise and appreciation reach far beyond the Irish Jigs of your counterpart.

Career:
Folklore states that Leprechauns only made shoes. You, like them, are very content with a slow and monotonous job. Your attention to detail would make you a great accountant or M’n’M taster.

(Mis) Fortune:
Leprechauns possess “The Luck of the Irish”. Kevin, you need to remember that you are not a Leprechaun and possibly not even Irish. You may have great cards in your hand, but beware - your luck can still run out.

Other close imaginary being results:
Big Foot
Liger
Siren
Mermaid
W.O.M.D. (Weapon Of Mass Destruction)

48Posted by Joseph on July 22, 2006

You are Devon!

When someone mentions you, they are often met with the response, “Who?” You have a tendency to be forgotten when you leave a place, because you were never really memorable to begin with. Develop some skills in bargaining and maybe someday you will not be outwitted by that old guy who smells weird.

And for future reference, nobody likes the guy who gives ridiculously long speeches. Heed the wrap-up music and maybe next time people will like you enough to remember you.

49Posted by Lauren on July 22, 2006

The Girlie Girl personality test results for Phyllis Lapin.

Phyllis, you are a true girlie girl. Your favorite color is pink; you love teddy bears, and roses.

Personality:
You love parties, girl talk, makeup, and Valentine’s Day.

Relationships:
Your current relationship is on fire. The glow that surrounds you is from your current boyfriend. He appreciates your sweetness and he desires to make you happy.

Hobbies:
You enjoy arts and crafts, but there is a wilder side to you – dancing. You know every type of dance from ballroom to hip-hop. You have been teaching your boyfriend some break-dancing moves but the two of you usually end up laughing and in another room by the end of the lesson.

Career:
You have a great work ethic and often close the biggest deals in the office. You have learned how to survive in the corporate world by portraying a quiet, non-confrontational demeanor. You have no desire to move beyond your current position and go to great lengths to go unnoticed in the office.

Interactions with other girls:
You are friends with other girlie girls and athletic girls. You tolerate valley girls. You hate snotty girls.

50Posted by Elizabeth N on July 22, 2006

You are Creed Bratton

Disclaimer: Since you were unable to provide us with your sex and approximate age, the results of this profile may be somewhat inaccurate.

Despite having had a successful music career, your life has taken a decidedly different turn. Based upon your answers, we assume that you are penniless and homeless.

You enjoy soup, theft, music, door prizes, children, drugs, homeless shelters, one-night stands, vegetables, jail, Hong Kong, and anything free that can be acquired by using your patented 'nine-toed' discount.

You spend your time sitting around waiting for that glorious day when death arrives. Were it not for your inability to concentrate long enough to fulfill this desire, that day would have arrived years ago.

You are a strange human being and we recommend that you stay away from others.

Frankly, we here at FindOutWhoYouAreForFree were surprised you were able to complete our questionnaire and find the 'Get Results' button. Unfortunately, your answers have left us with no option other than to forward your small amount of personal information and profile results to the proper authorities. Good luck to you and thank you for taking our survey.

51Posted by Lori on July 22, 2006

You are Stanley.

You are determined. You don’t let the fact that you grew up in the ghetto get you down. You defy those odds and work your butt off to get into the paper pushing business. If push comes to shove you use your “ghetto skills” to your advantage. You hate your job like most of those you work with. However, you only tolerate it to support your beautiful wife and two teenage daughters. Your oldest does go to an expensive all girls Catholic school, but man those outfits are worth it. You are protective and become livid if you see anyone sniffing around your little girls, especially an older man. If they do come close, you are sure to tear them a new one.

52Posted by Lacee on July 22, 2006

You are Roy Anderson!

You spend alot of time at the local sports bar down the street with your buddies after work, trying to score free beer from your favorite waitress (her name is "Bunny", by the way). In your spare time, you like to think about all the strapping young boys that you and your girlfriend (Oops! And by girlfriend, we mean your fiance) will one day have. You think that your future will be filled with afternoons playing football out in the yard with the boys, going out to football games at the local community college with the boys, and watching NFL games on Mondays with the boys. You imagine what it will be like when they each hit 21 and you can finally take them out for their first (legal) beer!

53Posted by Ari on July 22, 2006

You are: Kevin Malone

Like Kevin, you are a quiet, introverted person who delights in the mildly profane and immature. This tends to separate you from your peers, who've long outgrown your childish sense of humor and often scold you for it.

Despite this shortcoming, you are intelligent, hardworking, dependable, and musically inclined.

Stay away from:
Hotdog fingers
"Who Would You Do?"
Office restrooms

Things to persue:
Your jumpshot
MILFs
Italian accents

54Posted by Trent on July 22, 2006

You are Meredith Palmer

Outsiders look at you through the cloudy lens of your somewhat disheveled appearance, though they rarely get a glimpse of the “real you” underneath. This “real you” is alternating layers of confused and misunderstood, years of therapy away from making it to the surface for all to see. In short, you are an enigma wrapped in a riddle inside a mystery. The spirits you drink don’t come close to drowning your true sorrows, but only further fill the pool of your own regret—a pool in which you would quickly float to the top if you would only reach for the loving support of those around you. Your children are your greatest accomplishment, yet any shortcomings they may have only remind you of your own, causing you to doubt your parenting skills. Lack of motivation and direction at work also account for your bleak outlook on life. A change in vocation or better leadership in your current job would go a long way to setting you on the path to self-fulfillment.

55Posted by Brad on July 22, 2006

You Are Jim Halpert

You have the undeniable power to make others around you laugh. Others enjoy your company and genuinely like being your friend. You’re the “nice guy” but love pulling a joke on a friend occasionally. Others love having you as a friend and feel they can talk to you about anything. You’re comfortable in your everyday life but secretly seek better things for yourself.

(thank you, thank you, thank you for letting mine through a bit late)

56Posted by HYP3R6IR1 on July 22, 2006

You are Kevin!

You enjoy the finer things in life: candles that smell like cookies, sexually suggestive comments directed at coworkers, foot baths, charities that have to do with animals or people, the smooth stylings of Sting and the Police, narc jokes and of course, the number 69. You are an expert at stuffing M&Ms in your mouth, an award winning bathroom user, a championship winning poker player and an aspiring musician. You’ve definitely got that teddy bear thing going for you and you have a hidden talent in your jump shot skills and your imitation of an Italian person. Oh yeah, and you also have a lot of filthy things on your computer at work. In fact, instead of taking this quiz, you should probably be deleting that stuff. (Because there is a lot of stuff).

57Posted by Crystal on July 23, 2006

You are Jim Halpert!

You are the predictable type that eats the same sandwich everyday, just because it's familiar & comfortable. You'd stay at a dead end job because of what "might" happen. You may be forced into a risky situation because you can't let your feelings that run deep go without taking that risk. A huge decision is coming your way that may involve romance, a job change, and some personal growth.

58Posted by Tracy on July 23, 2006

You are Angela Martin!

You tend to put others around you ill at ease with your uncompromising standards and rigid morals. You have a tendency to appear uptight and judgmental, and usually clash with your co-workers. You are not afraid to use passive aggressive tactics to make others agree with your opinions or even invite you to their weddings. However it’s not all work and play. You like to have fun by playing with your forever-loyal feline friends, and reading inspirational quotes. You also enjoy Anne Geddes and other baby-inspired artwork. While you enjoy being controlling, you enjoy being controlled even more. Hence, you need a truly domineering partner in life. Your ideal partner is most likely an authority figure and probably reminds you of your father. Together, you are truly a spectacle to be witnessed. Any children you have will assuredly be well behaved. Don’t be afraid to open up around your partner and even get a little playful now and then. But make sure you go to church the next morning.

59Posted by Catherine Zeta-Jones on July 24, 2006

You are Dwight Shrute.

You have a dog-like obedience to authority and a strong love of beets and Sith Lords. Loyal to a fault (to those worthy) you are turned on by Christian disciplinarians. You feel that health care optional, as you have great genes. If placed in a position of power you may turn slightly tyrannical. You look great in several different hair colors and lastly, are a great salesman.

60Posted by Jill on July 24, 2006

You’re Meredith!

When life gives you lemons – you make lemonade. Actually, when life gives you lemons – you make vodka tonics… but you add a slice of lemon in there too.
You’re quiet and reserved, but you also know you to make an awkward social gathering your own private fiesta. Most people know you as a soccer mom (or dad), complete with minivan, but its pretty much a façade. And though you’ve had some trouble with long term relationships, you can have a healthy fling once in a while to keep yourself feeling classy and sexy. When it comes down to it you’re just a hopeless romantic hoping to find someone to mold clay with. So bring that Big Gulp cup into the office, don’t cut back on the work naps, and always keep a babysitter on call… just in case.

61Posted by Joseph on July 24, 2006

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62Posted by James on July 25, 2006