There are basically two perils facing the workers of Dunder Mifflin: getting caught bare-sleeved in the occasional draft, and Michael Scott. Determined to prove to the warehouse that hazards of the cubicle are no laughing matter, Michael enlists the help of Dwight and a towering turret of air for a mock suicide attempt. However, poor planning and even poorer execution make the rooftop threat a little too real and the rest of the office has to bet against the odds that his life is worth talking him down.
Of the many ill-conceived, disastrous ideas that continually incubate within Michael’s mind, hurling himself from the roof of a multi-storied building onto an inflatable bouncy castle in order to awaken his employees to the grave dangers of depression has got to be the worst to hatch yet.
Dwight : When you land, try and land like an eight-year old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
Michael : I don’t know if I wanna do this.
Dwight : You wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk.
Michael : No, no more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing ‘em, I’m not going to want to jump. [Exhales] This is about doing, not thinking.
Doing, not thinking… as opposed to everything else he does?
Dwight : Hey guys, listen up. Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
Andy : Whoa, what’s the situation?
Dwight : Un-shun. I think he’s suffering from depression. Re-shun.
Andy : Okay, when’s this shunning thing going to end?
Dwight : Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die.
Oh yeah, there’s no way this could end up as front page news.
The last thing a boss like Michael needs is a sidekick like Dwight.
Michael : They use props, they use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight : Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!
Michael : I don’t know. I don’t know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression.
Dwight : [at the same time] Wolves.
Michael : Depression.
Dwight : Visual aids.
Michael : Yes.
Dwight : A quilt– depression quilt?
Michael : No time to sew a quilt. I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box toy store.
Knowing Michael, Dwight has that number on speed dial.
Michael : Maybe we should test this first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over.
Dwight : We measured it once.
Michael : Go buy some watermelons.
Dwight : Seedless?
No request is too unlikely to not warrant an equally unlikely clarification.
[The watermelon test has not gone well]
Michael : Oh, crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.
Dwight : Okay.
Michael : Find out whose car that is. If it’s Stanley’s, call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes.
Dwight : Got it.
Michael : Also, take apart the trampoline. Stick it in the baler.
Dwight : We’re not allowed to use the baler.
Michael : Have Padge do it, or the sea monster.
Dwight : I’m on it!
I’m sure Dwight has that number on speed dial too.
Now that Jim and Dwight are once again even, we can get back down to business.
Dwight : Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim : Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug.
Dwight : Okay, tell him that that’s not true.
Jim : Dwight says that he actually doesn’t know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight : Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him!
Jim : [weakly] Andy… nah, that’s too far.
Dwight : Damn you.
Jim knows every one of Dwight’s buttons, and the biggest one is “bears.”
Pam loves office shenanigans as much as anyone (Jim), but unlike some (Jim), she doesn’t quite have it in her power to pull off many large-scale productions on her own. But once things get going, she’s all in and unstoppable.
[Gathered around Pam’s jellybeans]
Kevin : 10.
Oscar : Really, 10? That’s your guess? You’re a professional accountant.
Jim : There’s, like, 10 green ones.
Oscar : 42.
Jim : I’m gonna say 50.
Karen : 51.
Kevin : Oh come on. That is lame.
Jim : Don’t be that person.
Karen : It’s a strategy!
Pam : It’s called being smart.
Karen : Thank you.
Kevin : Oh, jeez.
[Cut to interview]
Pam : I don’t know how the whole betting thing started, but it’s fun.
Nothing warms the heart quite like a happy(er) Pam.
Give Jim and Pam any amount of breathing room and they will default back to their natural orbit. And in a week with nothing more substantial to directly affect the Index, having them share the camera frame in scene after scene will more than do the trick. Safety Training safely stays an optimistic Even.
Darryl would have gotten this last week had not such fireworks gone off in the Dwangela camp. Thankfully he is back this week for the coup, however hobbled in the meantime.
Darryl : We do safety training every year. Or after an accident. We’ve never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled…
Michael : “Hey Darryl, how’s it hangin’?” [bursts out laughing]
Darryl : And I fell and busted my ankle and… I’m legitimately scared for my workers.
Supporting Supporting Nod to Lonny for his valuable contribution:
Darryl : These are very dangerous machines down here and the upstairs workers, Michael… should not go anywhere near them.
Michael : Yes, yes, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world–
Darryl : It would be the worst thing in the world, it would! Very much so.
Lonny : What the hell is wrong with this man?!
Michael : I saved a life– my own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say. But, yes.
Andy : You can call me Drew.
Jim : No, I’m not gonna call you that.
Andy : Cool. I can’t control what you do, I can only control what I do.
Jim : Andy.
Andy : Drew.
I give the new Andy– er, Drew– two weeks max before another meltdown. That’s a ticking time bomb if I’ve ever seen one.
Michael : Today is safety training day. Toby is leading ours upstairs… yuck. But I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl’s presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity.
Feeding Michael nonsensical faux-Ebonics is the gift that keeps on giving.
Darryl : Quiz. Mike. Should you drive the forklift?
Michael : I can and I have.
Darryl : No no no no no no. I said should you? You should not drive it. You should not drive the forklift. You understand?
Lonny : You’re not allowed to drive the forklift.
Darryl : It’s not safe. You don’t have a license.
Michael : Guys, I’m not the only one who’s driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift.
Madge : Madge.
Michael : I thought your name was Pudge.
Madge : No, it’s always been Madge.
Michael : Okay. Um, her.
Darryl : Her. Yes, her is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay?
Michael : Fine.
Darryl : Do you understand that?
Michael : Yesh.
Lest you think Michael’s oblivion to danger is limited only to heavy machinery and not the wrath of a woman who could no doubt make better work of him than the baler.
Michael : Toby now has the floor. And he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life.
One of these days, Toby will… actually, he probably won’t. But if he ever does… look out.
Michael : Okay, you’re making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode. Can they not?
Toby : No, no.
Michael’s version of reality has no actual grounds in reality.
Kevin : [to Pam] That is not fair. He has spent hours up here at reception with you. Hours and hours.
Jim : Okay… okay.
Kevin : No, constantly– like, for years.
Jim : Okay.
Best use of Kevin’s emphatic enunciations yet.
Kelly : So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four. Number six becomes number five. Number three becomes number two. Etcetera, etcetera.
[As she continues, the rest of the office one by one throws money on Ryan’s desk]
Kelly : And let’s just say that I just sent back Love Actually, which was awesome. And they sent me Uptown Girls, which is also awesome. But guess what? Now I want to see Love Actually again. But it’s at the bottom of the queue! Oh no, what’ll I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go “click, click, click,” and I change the order of the queue so that I can see Love Actually as soon as I want to. It’s so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan : [kisses her forehead] I guess I forgot.
Kelly : You’re such a ditz.
Kevin : Ryan, well done, 2 minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said “awesome” twelve times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
Kelly, the leading cause of carpal tunnel syndrome in transcribers since 2005.
Toby : [to camera] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato.
Pam : Hey Creed.
Creed : Hey!
Pam : Hi.
Creed : Hello.
Initially overshadowed by Jim making the swap, the background exchange between Pam and Creed is simply not to be missed.
Karen : I don’t know this place as well as I thought I did. I’m getting cleaned out.
First, never underestimate the depth of Creed’s weirdness. There’s something else you shouldn’t underestimate either, but I think she’s beginning to catch on for herself, so I’ll leave it at that.
Dwight : [rocking out on an air guitar and making all kinds of electric sound effects] Michael is awesome, jumpin’ off the roof, bouncin’ on a bouncy bounce, show ‘em who’s boss! Rip a hole in the sun!
Okay, wow. I’m still in pain from how hard this made me laugh.
Michael : My life! Oh, my life…
Dwight : [through megaphone] Michael, what’s wrong?
Michael : Everything’s wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression.
Dwight : [through megaphone] Depression? Isn’t that just a fancy word for feeling “bummed out”?
Michael : Dwight, you ignorant slut.
Michael again demonstrating his knack for natural dialog, and Dwight the acting chops that once won him the role of Mutey the Mailman.
Jim : Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride in the second show. Um… might even bring my parents tomorrow to the matinee.
Michael : [in background] And that is why I am going to jump off this roof.
Jim : Oh excuse me. It’s my favorite part.
I don’t know… personally, I’d have to go with “Dwight, you ignorant slut,” as the highlight.
Angela : This is just offensive.
Ryan : At least we’re outside.
The story of their lives.
Darryl : Mike, you’re a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael : You really mean that?
Darryl : I couldn’t do it. I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave.
Michael : I’m braver than you?
Darryl : Way braver! You Braveheart, man.
Michael : I Braveheart. I am.
Darryl is earning every cent of that new raise. Also, watch for the shot of John over in the corner trying not to break.